Almost the End of the Road

My two small gems are not so small any longer. In two months, Amara Pearl will be eighteen years old and she has decided on her college for next Fall. Havana Ruby's birthday a few weeks later mark her sixteenth year. She has already begun to learn to drive and next year she will be driving herself to and from High School.

My two small gems are not so small any longer.  They are individuating and moving into their own, separate lives. They no longer require constant monitoring for safety. They do not need their parents for entertainment. They don't even want our opinions on things most of the time. Witnessing them move into their own lives, while a natural part of life, there are times when it feels like a slow, painful tear in my heart.

The girls have their own high school lives, be it with Amara having worked at Micheal's for a 1 1/2 years, or them going out with friends and spending the night, or attending concerts from San Francisco to San Jose, or driving Bluey, (Amara's cute little electric car) all round the East Bay to find Sunny Angels or to get Boba.  It is natural, it is good, it is joyous. And it is sad to see the end of this part of our lives shift. Just the other day, when I was in Albany, I stopped at Five Little Monkeys and walked around, feeling nostalgic. I ended up buying Havana a lego set, complete with having it wrapped. That she still loves legos and that I could still buy her a present like that was deeply satisfying. And sad. Because, my two small gems are not so small any longer.

During this high speed train towards adulthood, I have organically begun to step into my own space. I have found myself feeling more comfortable not just having the role their primary parent but as my own person, with passions, dreams and purpose. They are not the only ones with a divine purpose.

With such realizations, it seems my two small gems and I are on a parallel process of growth and individuation. 

There are so many wonderful things about them being teenagers. We have traveled together to more distant locations, where the comforts of home are back at home and they have managed to not only deal with but thrive in far flung places. I have come to appreciate their decisions and input on matters. They are wise, thoughtful and smart. It has been smart of me to take their input and counsel at times. They have good hearts, care about the world and fairness for others and I am relieved that they will go out into the world as good citizens of this sacred planet.

As we move towards the end of the childhood road (but to be honest, I am very grateful to have two more years with Havana), this blog's end of the road will be part of that process. I have been writing less and less. I have documented so many aspects of their lives, shared much about myself in case they need to go back and learn about me (if/when I am not here), tried to capture all the adventures and milestones of their youth. I hope I did them justice. I will blog less and less over the next couple of years. I have much to catch up on for the past few months and will work on being more timely but as they grow, I am growing and this blog is feeling less and less the priority it once was. 

But....we are not at the end of the road yet. So stay tuned for our past holiday experiences, our trip to 3 continents is February, Amara's trip to China and so much more.

Halloween 2024

 

As part of my mental and emotional preparation around the girls getting older and individuating, I find myself at times pulling back on things that I cherished so much. Perhaps I might be preparing for the times when these activities cease. Of course I could continue to engage in things like Halloween, full force, and Cheri’s  the last years with the kids at home celebrating these holidays. But for me, that feels a little inauthentic. They are growing in individuating and I guess I am too.

And still, we all love Halloween in our family so this year while I did not go with them trick-or-treating, I cheered them on, thrilled that my two high schoolers still wanted to go dress up and knock on doors. I loved that they put together thoughtful. Amara, of course, had to be some spooky scary thing again and won a the category for scariest costume at school. She put together a costume where it look like she was being carried around by a gruesome witch. It was fantastic. Havana in all her glorious creativity, She decided to be a Sunny Angel, which is all the rage right now. They are little dolls that you attached your phone. She bought things to put together her own costume. I thought it was brilliant. I might be biased, but it was pretty awesome and original.

Of course, Tamsen joined them trick-or-treating. I can’t even count how many years they have been doing this together. It’s very sweet that they’re carrying on these traditions together and that they have these relationships with their friends.

Happy Halloween 2024!

Almost College Bound

It’s no secret that I have been struggling with my girls getting older and becoming adults. There are very few things I have felt both deeply passionate about and pulled toward so fervently. Being a parent with something that called to my soul and pulled at my heart from my late teens until, at long last, I was pregnant with Amara at age 37. Havana’s birth two years later satisfied that decades old yearning. I was beyond grateful to support those two small souls landing on earth and growing up to be good citizens on this planet.

It is no secret how much I cherish my two small gems. I have an entire blog dedicated to them. I planned my early professional life (well it’s a calling not just a profession but I won’t digress) around being able to spend as much time with them as possible. I built community around other parents, so we had a strong network of friends, play dates and support so that they thrived. I took them with me when I traveled, forcing them to be my travel buddies from the time they were just months old and now we have countless memories, both good and challenging, of our adventures. They now have a respect of an understanding of the world and it’s differences and a love of the natural world. I have made sure they had what they needed to grow into the persons they are meant to be by ensuring they were educated by teachers who taught history truthfully, that fostered community building,  that nurtured independence and agency, that was inclusive and fostered questioning, that not only spoke of but practiced social and racial justice and of course, the importance of giving back. All of this was to support them into being who they are meant to grow to be and be good people when they are adults.

I am the furthest person from perfect and that is reflected at times in my parenting. I have too many flaws to count. Yet my love for my two small gems, that can never be questioned. Even now, as I write this blog post, thousands of miles from home on a much needed reset holiday, I speak with them at least half a dozen times a day via FaceTime and texting. The communication goes both ways. I will miss them and  want to share something, so I call. They have something going on and want my input or just want to talk so they FaceTime. So while I have failed as a parent in so many ways, our bond is mighty and impenetrable and I trust I (and of course their dad) have laid enough of a strong foundation and planted enough seeds to ensure a safe, stable, healthy, spiritually balanced life as adults.

I want them to grow and branch out. And still I am not ready. I am aware I have this last year of high school for Amara to process all my feelings. I am aware that our recent trip to Oregon to visit colleges pushed my limits at times for how much I am willing and not willing to feel. I am aware that I had to step into the bathroom so I could cry silently at the reality that Amara, my little eagle, is about to take flight.

Of course, I want her to soar. I know she will do just that. Her passion for life, her curiosity, her love of community and her kindness will carry her far. I am thrilled she is going to do what she is so ready for.  Is that not what all parents have wanted since the beginning of time? To see their gems leave and blossom into their truest selves? Yes AND. And I am just not fully ready yet. 

Despite all my emotions and struggles with the individuation of Amara, I am beyond proud of her and am excited for where she ends out and what she ends up doing. The college decision has been slightly daunting on her. She is both beyond ready and understandably nervous. But mostly she is ready. She was born to explore this world and do great things and that she will do. Whether I am ready or not. No matter where I am at mentally and emotionally in a year from now, I will however, support her and be her biggest cheerleader. She is a rock star and I know that no matter how hard it will be, that millions of parents have taken this path before me and survived and so will I.

Back to School 2024~ 10th & 12th Years

Amara and Havana started their 10th & 12th years of school. I have written previously about my feelings about them growing up way too fast so I will keep this post short and simple.

Amara started the year with college on her mind and with her camera always nearby. She was excited to learn more about her craft in honors art, further her Spanish language abilities and to spend time with her friends. 

Havana is in a different space. She is still adjusting to Bentley and I think that she is settling in nicely. She too enjoys art, photography in particular, Spanish and her friend group.

By the end of the year Amara will have chosen her college. Havana will be on her way to her Junior year. It is all going so fast but overall the girls are thriving. We have challenges with some subjects but have found some tutors for those courses and they are giving it their best. Their school has high expectations for academics and while that is important, I want them to enjoy the remaining years of their childhood. Going out with friends, seeing concerts, having healthy and fun teen experiences is equally important as sitting in the classroom.

Here’s to the 2024-2025 school year.

Pacific Northwest

 

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Summer 2024 was full of travel and adventure as well as learning, growing and connecting. After Maui, where I worked (and then we got to play), the girls and I went to New York and then finally we headed North. Pacific Northwest to be exact. The family was in different spaces throughout the summer, so this would be the first travel excursion of the summer with all four us. 

I had encouraged a trip to the Pacific Northwest because after my time in Northbound Washington in late Spring, I knew the family would love it there. I also felt that the earth, sky and water there was calling me to return and visit longer. The family was on board. We flew into Seattle and then drove a couple of hours north to Port Angeles where we boarded a car ferry to Victoria, Vancouver Island. We stopped in Port Angeles, to visit our neighbor friend, who has a home there and happened to up there when we were passing through. Brigette showed us the quite town, directed us the quaint local bookstore and took us a local spot for wonderful lunch.

The 90 minute ferry across was exciting and new. We'd never taken a car ferry. On the Canada side, it was easy to enter and make our way to a hotel for the night. We would only be in Victoria for brief periods so the next morning, while the family was still asleep, I got up early and walked around a bit. I found the city to have a sweet charm about it.

From Victoria, we drove 6 hours north, to the top of the island, to Port Hardy, the end of the road. The drive, while long, was green and lush. There were very few cars, making it a relaxing and peaceful drive.  Well, peaceful on the outside. Some of us inside the car were quite grumpy at times but that is par for the course. But over the course of a long day, it went fairly well. We napped, read and were mostly quiet.

Once we got to Port Hardy, we checked into a First Nations hotel. Knowing that the hotel was built and run by those who had lived in the area for centuries brought a feeling of sadness and relief. Far too long, colonizers have taken advantage of those they abused, stolen from and left with nothing. That there was a rare business that was not part of the colonial system allowed us to feel we were walking respectfully on the land and on the waters of this part of the planet. 

We spent the next two days on the water. Two full days, in remote areas, surrounded by breathtaking views of water and land. We experienced orcas, humpbacks, seals, sea lions and grizzly bear and cubs. We saw bald eagles perched in trees and a few taking flight. We drank in the turquoise waters and filled our lungs with fresh, cool air.  We learned about the local culture, the devastating impact of fish farms and how our local guide helped to shut them down and had the spiritual experience of hearing the sounds of the humpbacks speaking when a microphone was dropped in the water and picked up their most beautiful voices.

After a  couple of days in Port Hardy, we drove back down the island and close to Victoria (well 2 hours away), checked into a cozy cabin in the woods where we rested, relaxed and visited an 800 year old Douglas Fir that lived in a magical, lush green forest. The girls and I went to a quaint nearby town to do thrifting, find a book store and walk the sweet town. When we finally headed out to go back on the Ferry, we felt refreshed and rested and grateful for a week of beautify and awe.

Little Ms. Reader

 

Havana is voracious reader. No matter where we go or what we do, she has a book in hand. She loves to read and can devour several books a week. When she is deep into a story, do not interrupt. It's not pretty! But all jokes aside, it makes me quite happy that Havana  has such a love affair with the written word.

One of the highlights of traveling with Havana is finding local bookstores. I mean, who doesn't like a local bookstore? And while I try to limit the amount of things they purchase, I do not limit books. Havana will read a pile of books and then after a time, she will sort them out into keepers and trade ins and off we will go to Half-Price books to sell them. It's a win-win.

I hope that her love affair is a life long one.

Little Ms. Photographer

Amara has fallen in love with photography and it warms my heart to see this passion growing as she develops her skill. 

I like to think some artisitic seeds were planted watching her mother with a camera her entire life. A few years ago, I got a new camera and passed on my old camera to Amara. This was about the time Amara started Bentley. Bentley has a fantastic art program, complete with a dark room. Amara started learning both digital and film photography in 9th grade and has continued to hone her skills. It warms my heart when I see her grab her camera, when she is inspired and do her thing.

 

Woodstock

 

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The girls and I made it to our final New York destination, Woodstock, after several days in the City, visiting friends and family, showing the girls my old stomping grounds and indulging our tastebuds.

Woodstock is where my spiritual teacher Bella lives, as well as my best friend Bob and several other close friends. Time on the mountain, relaxing, being in each other's presence, breaking bread and taking in all that good energy was a main motivator for returning to New York with my two small gems.

We were still in the tail end of a hurricane, so we had glorious down pouring of rain and strong, warm winds, forcing us to make mindful plans throughout our days. A trip to the bookstore? Let's wait until the rain lets up just a bit. Want to go for a hike? Well, there is torrential rain outside so let's stay in bed and read after we sit at the table and have lunch. Our friend Robyn, she is coming up isn't she? No, she has to wait a day as it's not safe. Okay, let's just hang out here. 

Those several days of on-going in the moment moments made for sweet down time. We did get to take some walks through town. Some friends got to come visit, while others could not. We got to go to dinner one night at the Chinese buffet, where we sat for hours, eating, sharing stories and telling jokes. It was all just so perfect. The girls know the names of the important people in my life. They even have some relationships but like with our cousins, it had been some time. To be in person, to share moments in the moment, connecting and being together, it allowed the girls (who are at an age where they can appreciate and sustain connection) to get to know my tribe better and to start to expand their own relationships with some of the people who mean so much to me.

Because of the weather, the girls and I ended up spending a lot of time as well. We slept in the same room, had lunch on our own, finally made it to a book store in Saugerties, where we also wandered a bit in and out of stores, while avoiding the rain.  It all felt so relaxed and perfect. Time in a place I love so much. It was ironic, being just an hour or so from where I grew up but never really felt at home. Yet just a short drive North, to the sacred mountain, where some of our tribe lives, that felt like home. The girls both commented how peaceful it was in Woodstock, how they could live there and how much they enjoyed their time. 

I was grateful that the girls got to spend time with Bella. She is getting older and it is showing. To have them be with her while she is still independent and able to share her warm heart and wisdom, that was incredibly important to me.

When the time came to pack the car and drive down the mountain, I felt sad. I am not sure how long that space will remain a place to go and restore but at least the memories have been made and the energy and love cemented within us.