I last took the girls to the town I grew up in when they were 6 & 8. They did not remember. I asked them prior to our heading to New York if they wanted to visit New City again. "Sure." I thought they might be appeasing me but the truth was I wanted to show them. I wanted them to see more of who their mother was and where she came from.
We left cousin Laneys early in the morning. It would be a long day heading up Wooodstock, with stops in New City and other places along the way. It was still raining but I relished the weather. We do not get rain in California in the summer. And the rain on the East Coast is different. It is heavier, there is thunder and lightning, there can be warm winds. All the things I love about East Coast rainstorms. I don't even mind driving in it.
Our first stop was Rockland Bakery. I needed to bring bread to my spiritual teacher/mom Bella but I also knew the girls would be in carb heaven. I think the girls thought bakery like, cupcakes and cookies, which Rockland Bakery has, but when we went into the bread room, they were like "Oh my!" The scents of fresh bread were so intoxicating and a bit overwhelming! They were allowed to each pick a loaf. Amara, of course got the whole grain loaf. Havana, she got the round raisin Challah. It was hard to decide though! We ended up with more than we needed but hey! (and we ended up freezing a couple of loaves to take home so we got to enjoy Rockland Bakery weeks after we got back to Cali.)
Our next destination was to drive my my junior high school, Felix Fester. I explained how the large school had wings and how depending on where you lived decided what wing you went to. I was C wing. The school looked older and a bit worn but then it has been 40 years. We then headed towards my old house. We stopped by New City Jewish Center, first, which just up the street. I explained to the girls that it was important to live close to the schul because driving was restricted on the Sabbath and High Holidays. I reminded them I spend several days a week in Hebrew school, for a few years prior to my Bat Mitzvah. I appreciated the questions they had. Seeing NCJC brought back some sweet memories and it has changed as well over the years. I was happy to see it had expanded, representing the on-going need to serve our Jewish community in New City.
Next stop as Alan Drive. where I lived from 7 years until 18 and then again in my late 20's for a couple of years. It is always bittersweet seeing my childhood home. We were the first family to live in that house. My dad had it built when were were still living in Brooklyn. For a guy who grew up as poor as he did, moving to New City, to a brand new home, was the stuff of dreams. My dad worked hard to make his dream come true and I have made sure the girls know his history well.
I was taken aback how beautiful the house, yard and street were. Everything was green and with space to breathe and play; quite the contrast to dry California, with million dollar homes that have no yards and space. The girls asked which was my room (upstairs second on the left until high school and then downstairs on the right). They asked if I snuck out at night. I couldn't lie. I think they were joking when they asked and were quite surprised when I told them yes, I did sometimes sneak out to meet my friends (and that I would kill them if they did the same thing!)
From there we swung by my Elementary and High School. New City Elementary is just a few blocks from where I grew up but as a kid, when we were knee deep in brutal winters, the walk seemed much further. I explained to the girls how we had to put our feet in plastic bags and then put on our boots. Once we got to school, we changed our shoes, leaving our boots and jackets to dry off in cubbies, only to do it all over again to walk back home. I loved my elementary school and teachers and my friends. It was a warm feeling seeing the school again.
By the time I got to Clarkstown North High School, I did not feel the same about school. The girls are aware that I struggled with learning differences that were diagnosed in junior high school (by a therapist named Patty, who tested me and later became my mentor. It was Patty who planted the seeds of being a therapist myself one day.) I also started using drugs and drinking and well, I was a bit of a wild child. There are things that happened in high school that I later spent years making amends for and I also gave a lot of time and energy to healing post high school. High School for me was a party. I did not engage in clubs, sports, student government. Cheerleading, school spirit, fuck no. I wore Timberland boots (this is way before Hip Hop stole the style), a denim jacket and jeans and listened to Heavy Metal and Rock n Roll. Iron Maiden, Ozzy, Black Sabbath and Judas Priest played in my walkman (remember those) or on my boom box. I hung out with the stoners behind the school and often missed class. To say I am beyond relieved I have two small square gems, is an understatement. I am deeply grateful the girls, while unique in their styles, are nothing like I was. I have been honest with them in recent years about the choices I made; how I struggled and how my home environments lack of support played a role in my high school years. I want them to know that there are different paths for people, that people can learn and grow and transform.
Amara and Havana know that during High School, I went to college prep school for 6 months to get my act together. It was there that the math teacher took a bunch of us on field trip to see the Grateful Dead. Well, the rest is history and when I returned back to North for my senior year, it was with tie dye t-shirts, peace sign necklaces and moccasins on my feet. I still loved Ozzy and Iron Maiden but the Dead and its community, that felt like home. I never felt like I fit into New City and its mainstream conformist ways. Being a free sprit, going on protests for women's rights and to push back about Apartheid was who I was. That has not changed to this day and I was glad to show the girls the physical space where so much of me was defined and where so many seeds were planted.
When we were done with New City, I felt a bit of relief. As we drove down Main Street, I realized that the sadness I normally feel when I return there was missing. Being with my two gems, with my daughters, reminded me that I have created a family where I do not eel alone and outcast. Having them with me, in a place I felt so different, so alone, so out of sorts that I numbed myself with drugs and alcohol for a long time, was as they say in the therapy world, emotionally corrective. When I drove way I thought I may never need to go to New City again.
Once we left New City, we made one last stop in Rockland County; Monsey, which is home to a large Hasidic community. I love to go to there to the Kosher Supermarket and stock up on things we can eat. There is a great falafel and pizza place and of course Amazing Savings! We did our shopping, took our food to go and I answered a boat load of questions about the Hasidic way of life. Havana summed up the area pretty quickly; "It's a cult", she said. We had a long discussion then about the holocaust and the ultra religious Jew's fears of history repeating itself as being the motivation to be so observant. I explained to them that they felt if they did everything so strictly it was the way Hashem (God) wants and then they would not suffer again. We took this conversation further to talk about Divine Order, fear and freedom.
As we turned up towards the New York State thruway to finally make our way to Woodstock, I realized that I was very blessed; I have been charged with raising these two souls; guiding them as they find their way towards their own destiny. Having these deep, honest conversations, sharing my truth, my history, raising them with more Universal beliefs and Spirituality versus mad made religions, I think this is what has supported them in not them repeating the self-destruction on my teen years. I have told them that all that I went through had a purpose and led me to where I am today but still I am grateful they have a different path to follow.
Returning to Rockland that morning was joyful, reflective, fun, sad and meaningful. I hope that my sharing where I came from and who I am will help my two small gems not only better understand their parent but better understand themselves as well.
