Presence

Presence seems to be one of the on-going themes of my parenting. Presence, or at times, the lack of it. I struggle daily with being in the moment; with paying attention to my girls with paying attention to myself (inwardly); with the balance of the daily mundane duties and my desire to be present with the girls. This is one of the most challenging aspects of my life with my girls.

Presence allows for feeling connected to both the girls and myself. Presence allows for being with whatever is arising in the moment. Presence allows for feeling grounded, supportive, supported, compassionate. Presence is awareness. And I know for sure that awareness helps one to remember who one truly is; their essence. This is what I want for all the members in my family but especially Amara and Havana.

I can feel it my body when I am or am not present. My head feels heavier. My thoughts more distracted. I find myself acting in ways that are not mindful. I can shift things, or not, because of this awareness. Patience plays a big role in all of this. The more patient I am with the girls (and myself) the more present I find myself. The more present the more patient. How interesting! It is not easy when I come home tired from doing hours of therapy and have to cook dinner, do baths, engage in playtime and clean up the house. The girls father is super hands-on, and for that I am most grateful, but still, it takes an enormous amount of energy to be the mama in a family while also balancing a professional life (which is more like a soul calling). Staying present through it all is something I strive for. But something I fail at often.

Like many parents, I suffer from chronic fatigue. Not chronic fatigue syndrome. Just chronic parenting fatigue. My girls are like the energizer rabbits and unless they are asleep they are go, go, go. I find myself distracted at the end of the day and I find myself wanting to pass the time more easily.

Perhaps other parents can relate. And while this may be a part of life with two little beings, this is not okay for me, as I want to cherish and relish our daily moments. I do not want to glance at the clock thinking, "how much longer till bedtime so I can sleep too?" It is in that vain I am making the effort to take more deep breaths, sit patiently through the long afternoons after working and finding ways to engage with the girls in meaningful ways.

I am also aware of what I bring to the table on an emotional level and how it supports presence or pushes it away.

My mother was not very present. She was often distracted, caught up in her own her own life. She had alot of her own wounding to cope with. Years with my teacher (http://www.ridhwan.org/) has helped me to sort through and sit with the pain of the aloneness and lack of presence I felt throughout my childhood. I don't remember much engagement, much 1:1 time, much affection or presence. We didn't talk with each other or spend quality time together. I remember the television being put on every night after dinner and everyone zoning out. It was as my brother Mark said recently, "Like living in a house with strangers."

It was that modeling, that holding (or rather lack of) that I have as a reference for parenting. It is not the type of parenting I would ever want for any child, let alone the two souls who graced my life. So it has become part of my path to learn about parenting in healthy ways. I have had to learn to be with my own wounds, which presence supports and which presence helps heals. The process is slow. I am impatient but I know that eventually I will reach that solid place I yearn for (or rather feel that solid place that is part of me but forget so often) and I pray that in the process my impact on my children will be better not worse.

Cousin Alaine

We took an early morning drive into the city today to visit with my first cousin, Alaine, (or Laney as family calls her), who was in the area for a work show at Ft. Mason. It figures that the one morning I wanted us to head out early was the one day the gals slept in late (7 a.m. is very late in our household!). But we were still able to pull off being in the car just past 8 a.m. And it being so early in the day, we breezed in San Francisco in about thirty minutes. Sweet!

Amara didn't quite remember cousin Laney who was last here when she was 2 1/2 and for her sister it was almost like a first meeting. Havana was not even a year then. But Alaine remembered Amara and her curiosity. Amara's questions started the minute she got out of the car; "Why are you staying here?", "How long have you been here?", "Why are you going home tonight?" I laughed out loud when Laney said, "Why, why, why, why!! The questions don't stop!" Some friends recently had a discussion, via FB, about the endless 'whys' of toddlers. It was refreshing and objective to see my toddlers endless curiosity through the eyes of someone else.

We could have taken walk along the wharf but the weather was cold and the girls enjoyed the hotel lobby as much as anything else. One of my current life lessons is that less is more! But after more than an hour of them running up stairs and riding back down in the elevator we decided to take a short ride to do some site seeing. Laney had to go to work so on the way we took a ride down Lombard Street and went up to Coit Towers. Not only did our cousin get to see some famous landmarks but the girls got to see in person some of the places we read about in their book, 'Good Night San Francisco'(which, of course, we just had to read later that day before their nap time!).

I love my cousin Alaine. Seeing her today, even for a few hours was very special. Growing up, some of the only family were she and her 3 siblings, my only other first cousins. We spent a lot of time at their house on Great Oaks Drive. It was a large house, two stories, plus a basement and their large yard with an in ground pool. That house provided lots of fun times. It also provided some sad times. I was the youngest and often found myself alone (and feeling alone) because I was "too young" by their standards. I was "too young" to watch the movie that was on HBO or "too young" to hear the conversations or "too young" witness some of their goings-on behind the closed doors. But I always knew what was going on and I always wanted to be with them. I loved my cousins. And it was through them that I got my first understanding of what family meant. And now, as a parent, I want my girls to raise up knowing what family means.

So what does family mean? For me, for my girls, it means heart:heart connections with people they trust, people they feel safe with, people they can be themselves with and people who support them and love them on every level. It means Being with people whose hearts and minds are open and free. And vice versa. And while I feel that cousin Laney and her siblings are family, I also know that there are those who are not family by relations sake but are family by heart and soul connection sake. There are those whose I met well into adulthood who have become my family and for whom my loyalty and love are stronger than those I share a bloodline with. Who do you consider family? What does family mean to you?

Rubies and Pearls

I have been a sometimes follower of some friend's blogs since my girls were smaller. I love the simplicity of the layouts of those I read while that they allow for depth of meaning, sharing or teaching. I love the ability to capture the daily treasures of life through an on-line forum. I love the possibility of creating something for my girls to use as reference once they are older. I just haven't been ready to do a blog until now. It has felt that the personal is becoming public. So this blog will be an experiement for me to see how it feels. Facebook has opened the door with it's public viewing (even though I am a 'friends' only poster it is still very public)

While documentating via a blog is new, I have journaled for the girls since their births. And I will continue to use their journals for the more personal heartshares that I want to convey. I had Amara's almost 300 page journal bound and printed. Love it. Havana's first edition will soon be ready for hard copy. I love having something something 'real', something definitive, for the girls to be able to have something from me to hold and read. For if anything were ever to happen to me, I want them to know that which I think are the important tools and life lessons to navigate through this life time. And because memory can fail us so easily, I have also been relieved to document the most mundane details so that they can be recalled easily later on.

I have always loved the written word. Both writing and reading have been life savers for me. I have used both to help navigate both the inner and outer worlds starting with my first diaries as early teen. I kept journals throughout my teens years and for a time into college when sadly I didn't make the time any longer. There is something cathartic about writing. There is something powerful of letting the words flow naturally from the inner to the outer. In my work as a therapist, I often give clients homework to write letters and to journal as a way to help connect to self, to let go of old and painful emotions and to help heal. It is because of the power that writing has given me that I choose to keep journals for my daughters. I wanted to be able to not only document their lives and the things I wanted them to know but I wanted them to know me. There will be times, I am sure, when we may not see eye to eye or when they may want to understand their mother or their own selves through their mothers impact on them. I hope my journals and now their blog will be of service.

But enough of journaling! I am here, on my first blog, to document my girls lives and some of the amazing and the challenging moments we share. My girls presence in my life is the greatest blessing. I am thankful each day they choose me to be their earth mother (and yes, I do believe their soul choose me but more on that later). They are my greatest joy and my greatest teachers! I know most parents can feel the depth of those words about their own children.

I will start today with a brief introduction: Amara Pearl Josephine is my 4 1/2 year old. But if you tell her she is 4 1/2 she will be quick to correct you; "I am 4 and 3/4's old". That statement in and of itself speaks volumes of my (very) strong willed, energetic and most curious sweet monkey. Havana Ruby Modesta is my other most spirited daughter, who at 2 1/2, keeps my on my toes and keeps my senses on point. I have to keep an eye on her most of the time or an ear leaning in her direction! She has been surprising us as of late. She is more mellow in her temperament than her sister (much less tantrums, a lot more sensitive) but she is one "feisty gal" as they say in Jamaica (both parents lived there for a time and speak the dialect).

I think it is evident where the name of the blog comes from. I can say more later about the names; Rubies and Pearls. If or when Amara reads this she may not like that her sister's middle name was first but it rolls of the tongue a bit more smoothly. So RubiesandPearls Blog it is!