New Chapters

Change is a part of life. Yet as natural as it is, we humans tend to resist, avoid, even attempt to change change. But the fact remains, change is a part of life and if we are to evolve and unfold as we are meant to, we must ride the waves of change when they enter our lives.

Recently began a significant period of change in my life. It started in the beginning of the year with the the heartbreaking and unexpected death of my beloved young cousin. Then there was the 'C' word health scare my 92 year old with my grandmother, only to be followed by my mother who also had a lumpectomy. In a few months time, I found myself on jet planes three times, flying back East to support my loved ones. Each time, my mind trying to wrap itself around the new normal that change brought into my life. But change was not done with me yet. At least she went a less traumatic route this most recent time. Yet it was still a difficult change, not surprisingly, which is why change is so often hard to bare. 

For 5 weeks, I went through the grief leaving a job I have held on to for over a decade. A job where I was entrusted with the vulnerabilities, scars, and hearts of those who have experienced deep trauma and pain over the course of the lives, often starting at an early age. It was a job that felt more like a sacred ritual, where each day I entered my office, I held a lantern for those brave souls to to find their way along their path of healing. Ending those relationships was an emotionally brutal period of transition. All of these things were much to hold in such a short period of time.

I am never one to do things lightly. My life is usually an all or nothing series of events. It seems that things just all come flooding in at once. With so many major life changing events in first few months of 2017, I have felt myself being pulled underneath the waves of change, at times feeling like I was drowning to other times when I have felt both physically and emotionally spent. Thankfully with support from teachers, friends and Self, I have managed to stay above water, navigating some tough waves. 

My own inquiry has led me to re-realize (for the umpteenth hundredth time), how much I leave myself and how frantic life gets when I do that. Especially during times of change. My own early life trauma has led me to one to plan, to try to figure things out, to try to control things and people around me. But life unfolds as it will and change is part of life. All I can really do is try to stay connected to myself during those moments. Much easier said than done. 

In a way to help move through all of these recent changes (and transitions too), I took a week off, for a fourth trip back East. This time however, was to spend quiet time alone on Overlook Mountain, in upstate New York with my cherished teacher Bella (check out my post on her here: http://twosmallgems.blogspot.com/2013/06/baba-bella.html). My time, while too short, was spent with solo walks in the woods, naps in the daytime and mediation first thing in the morning and before bed. I found myself physically exhausted during my time on the mountain as I had the time and inner support to stop and listen to what my body and soul were saying and needing. It was not surprising just how spent I felt, what with all that had transpired in the weeks and months prior. I was filled with deep gratitude to have the time and means to take the time to check out from the routine of my daily life in California.

During my time back East, I also connected with members of my tribe, who have long been a part of my external support systems. I found my heart full of love, gratitude, and joy in their physical presence. I also found myself laughing more than I have in a very long time. It was soothing on so many levels. 

They say actions speak louder than words. I returned from New York feeling fifty pounds lighter (I wish it were physically but I am thankful for the release on the emotional and mental levels!) and it has shown up in a more relaxed, patient, grounded mother. My two gems know I needed the time away by what I told them but they have seen and felt the end results. 

Part of the reason I write (and take photos), is to help myself process my life as well as to (eventually) share with my children the deeper parts of their earthly mother and hopefully to help them to learn and to grow. In these recent months, with all these changes and the roller coaster of emotions and shifts in routine, I hope that they learn the importance of embracing change all while staying connected both to Self and those who love and support them.

Change is a part of life and as I enter this new chapter of my life, I pray that I remember all the things I have learned.

(Below are photos of my time back East)

One of my most favorite views on planet Earth. The view from Bella's dining table.