Winter Medicine

It's officially winter. For California, winter means nippy mornings and late evenings. Some frost on cars and the sense of never feeling warm. It's not New York cold but it's still uncomfortable. The days are short and when we are lucky there is rain. Which means no sun for days. 

Winter and I don't have the best relationship. And this winter, with my funky, slightly depressed mood, ongoing internal and external shifts, along with two folks in the house currently coping with the flu, well, I have been longing some warmth and my dear friend, the sun.

This past weekend, with temperature a bit higher and the sun bright in the sky, the two non sick persons in the household went for a very much needed hike in the serene, remote (for the Bay Area) Alhambra Valley. We explored a new trail with steep hills that gave my brain a much need endorphin boost. And the two majestic messengers (red tail hawk) we saw take flight and sail overhead, they brought us reminders of the importance of stillness.

It was a precious gift to feel the sun on my face; to be warm enough to not wear a coat and to only see the Creator's beauty in front on me. More and more I realize the importance of getting away from the overstimulation of the concrete jungles. The icing on the cake was to witness Amara take delight in all the discoveries around her, using only her vivid imagination and her huge heart. It was not just a hike it was good winter medicine.

Holidays 2017

 The holidays were just a month ago. Yet it feels like a year has past, not thirty days. Time is such an illusion, isn't it? And perhaps because I am not so invested in man made holidays (don't get me started on the real birth of Yeshua, it wasn't December 25th) or how commercial they are (if the Messiah would return s/he would die immediately of shock!), I was thankful when January arrived.

Now I may sound like the grinch but I do appreciate the time spent with loved ones over during late December. It is always sweet to see those we care about and I do enjoy finding gifts for the girls, our nephews and nieces. Although I will admit that I/we mostly get need vs want for our gals. A few surprises are fun but I like the girls to know that the things they need (clothing, shoes) are things not to be taken for granted. Mostly though, honestly though, other than time with family, I am most thankful when the winter solstice comes and we then make our way towards spring.

I am the lone wolf  in my family around my true feelings about Christmas time. I know the girls love Christmas and Don takes pride in putting up lights and the tree. It's not because I am Jewish that I don't find Christmas time all the appealing. Yes, the reasons above irk the heck out of me but maybe there was more to it with this past year having been one of the more challenging years (more on that here http://twosmallgems.blogspot.com/2017/12/festival-of-lights.html). Still, the most important thing is our family got to make some more memories with their family during time spent at Aunt Paula's for the annual Christmas Eve Soup Exchange. And honestly, being with loved ones, no matter the reason or season, is most cherished.

Here's a glimpse of some our family time this past December 2017.

Christmas Eve

Cousin Theo

Cousin Maria brought a pinata which was a huge hit for the younger crew.

Havana with one of the fun surprises, gifted to her by Big Sis.

Festival of Lights

During our sweet annual tradition of celebrating Hanukkah with our cousins, I was reminded that 2017 is quickly coming to an end. I also realized that the story of Hanukkah seems all more relevant in 2017. This year it seems, more than ever, we need to remember to shine the light in this world. To shine our own light. To not let darkness win.  That there is light in the dark. That even after challenging, trying times, miracles can emerge from the darkness. The lighting of the menorah candles reminds us that we must remember that there is a Divine Order to this world. Faith is essential. Remembering is essential. For light is at the core of us all.

There is a reason we tell the stories of our ancestors again and again. Whether they are based in fact or symbolism, they give us crucial reminders and reflections that our hearts, minds and souls need. The story of Hanukkah is about the light shining on after a act of violence and hate; an act of darkness. And as I/we lite the candles I could not but see the parallel of the menorah flames in my current life.

This past year was one of personal and external hardship as well as change. There were many dark nights mixed in with days where the light shone through. Many mountains I climbed both inwardly as well as those I witnessed in the external world starting at the tail end of the 2016 with the sudden, unexpected and shocking death of my beloved cousin Larry. I spent the first days of 2017 back East trying to digest his transition while celebrating family memories of Larry with my kin. A few weeks after my return to California, I boarded another East Coast bound plan. That time for Miami, where the girls and I spent a week visiting their great grandmother who, at age 93, was recovering from breast cancer. We were fortunate to spend time with other family as well, cherishing our time with our loved ones still on this earthly plane.

After two trips East in a less than a month, I was barely settled at home when our family boarded another jet. That journey took us to Hawaii for nine days of some much needed  R&R. While on that scared tropical island in the Pacific, I got a call with a job offer from Kaiser. I sat on a beach for two days while contemplating whether I would leave my job of eleven years. The decision was not an easy one. Then it was an emotionally brutal two months of closure with clients. Many whom I saw for in individual therapy for many, many years. It was a period of deep introspection as I had to sort through what was my own stuff and what was my clients. Their abandonment triggered my own but with the help of my teacher Scott I was able to sort through and get to my truth. It was an extremely draining process. 

In the mists of ending my tenure at HAART my mother was diagnosed with stage 1, non invasive breast cancer. So while the outcome would be positive (give thanks) after surgery and radiation, I had to leave California yet again and head back to Florida. I spent about a week there taking care of my mother and then taking the opportunity to visit my grandmother and other bio family. The trip turned out to be a turning point in my relationship with one of my sisters. Active in her addiction, in full denial about her behaviors and entitlement, I left Florida with feelings of equal sadness and gratitude. Life is neither black and white and once I again I was living in the gray.

I left my job early May and a few days later I boarded my fourth flight in five months. Returning to New York but this time for a much needed time of both retreat and reconnection. I spent time with the people who are my tribe, those closest to my heart and then I secluded myself in for several days atop the mountain in Woodstock where my beloved, spiritual teacher/mother Bella lives. No computer, no phone, hikes in the woods, reading lessons in Buddhism and practicing silence and meditation. That coupled with the patient, direct, deep wisdom of Bella was powerful medicine for me on many levels. During my time there my dearest friend came to visit and together we broke bread and shared so much more. Healing, laughter, love. Things much needed after so much in so short a time.

I returned to California for my new work life at Kaiser. I knew it would be a momentous shift from the small, flat hierarchy, Buddhist leaning, non-profit where I spent more than a decade. But life is about change. Nothing is permanent and I knew inwardly that it was time to take a different path. During my professional transition the girls school was going through some major adjustments that began late winter.  Our family was left questioning about the future of the girls education at a school we cherish. Thankfully after a bumpy period things began to smooth out but it took several months of uncertainty about the girls educational future before we felt we could let out a sigh of, "we're good" much to the relief of both girls but especially Amara who is very aware of what is going on around her. It was one thing for me to be going through so much but when things impacted it brought things to another level. Many moments I forgot to remember that everything is Divine Order. 

As summer rolled on our family struggled with new work schedules. Juggling all of the pieces of our lives was huge and the girls found it difficult to adjust to me getting home so late in the day. By the time we headed out for a road trip late August I was starting to question whether the place where I landed at in Kaiser was the best match for me. From the get go there were some serious issues and I wondered if another clinic would be better suited.  I questioned many things and about what to do. And then, as usual, I found myself Remembering; that all is in Divine Order. Life was a lot less chaotic at Kaiser than HAART so I decided for now I would just learn the lessons, grow professionally, enjoy a shorter commute and trust that when/if it's time to move elsewhere the Creator will let me know. (and I still know in my heart that this is not where I will end up which feels totally okay.)

In the external world, well what can I say? The collective shadow was ready to be emerged and emerge it did. After the elections in November 2016 most of America (and the world) was left in shock when a narcissistic, bully of a man became president. A man whose misogynistic and racist way of being has been acted out both consciously and unconsciously in the world at large. The entire country feels like it is walking on eggshells and that is a very unhealthy way to be living for an extended period of time. I have felt a collective PTSD coming for sometime and while I trust in the Divine Order of things, I suspect things in our country and world may get much darker before the light shines brighter. And then there is the other side, the Kool Aid drinkers, who don't want to know they have been poisoned; that prefer the sweet, sugary, illusions than the truth. But as Hanukkah shows us, the light will prevail from the dark.


I must continually return inward though, not allow myself to get too distracted in the illusion of maya. I must face my own darkness, dig deep into my core, searching for my own light that is there, even when I forget. 

This Hanukkah provided the space to ponder and reflect on all this and more. Here's to that truth that the light is always there, even in the darkest times and that the light is what is stronger than the darkness.

Stable Time

For several years our Girl Scout troop asked f to go horseback riding with some of the proceeds from cookie sales. Late last spring, we finally were able to do a trail ride. The outing was a hit but as someone who used to care for, ride and show horses as a youth, I knew that getting up close and personal with horses could bring some amazing things to the girls. So while the trail ride was exciting, it really didn't offer the girls what I had hoped for as we didn't get a more intimate experience.

Being with horses can be magical, powerful, transformative. Being with horses increases confidence; it encourages risk taking; it helps build a respect for animals; Taking care of a creature so much bigger and powerful fosters pride; and the list goes on. I wanted my troop to experience these things but finding a big enough stable, with someone who understood kids, had proved quite challenging.

Then we hit the horse jackpot. A friend told me about a local stable that had enough horses to accommodate our large troop, worked with kids and that would do more than a thirty minute trail ride. To say I was excited was an understatement! (check out their website http://kimshorsetraining.com)

For four weeks we hit the stables each Friday. There the girls got to groom, bathe, saddle up, ride, walk and put the horses away for the night. The horses, who were so much larger than our little ladies, invited them to dig deep within to try new and sometimes scary things. Each week they were asked to bring out their inner courage as they began to become familiar with the world of horses.

Our time at the stables was short but consistent, and fun; enough to plant some seeds. I know that several girls in our troop will continue on their own and I suspect we may return as a troop come spring. As the troop leader, it was a such a pleasure to see my scouts be able to use their hard earned cookie sales money in doing something that will most likely stay with them for a very long time to come. Being with the horses taught some invaluable life lessons while also being a whole lot of fun!

Moon Over Martinez

Monarchs

There is something magical and mystical about butterflies. Here in the Bay Area, we are fortunate to have Monarch butterflies, migrate to various locations each Fall. 

For the past four years, I have unsuccessfully tried to take my Girl Scout troop to see the these powerful yet graceful little critters during their annual visit.  

I love having my girl scouts get up close to things in nature; hopefully planting seeds of awe and respect for our non-human kin.  But each year, the Monarch butterfly event has filled up too quickly, even for my New York self, to get us there. And each year since our troop started I have wanted to kick myself for not getting us in.

This year I knew I couldn't let the event pass us by yet again.  Determined and with a post it note to remind me, I finally got us signed up.

Once we got there I realized it actually turned out for the better that it took us so long to get there. With the girls to a bit older, I think they were able to better appreciate what they saw.  Most of the girls seemed to truly enjoy learning about the two thousand mile journey that the Monarch's make each winter, were shocked that Monarchs can lay hundreds of eggs each day along their way to California from Idaho, and that approximately four million made the Bay Area their home for the winter. Wow! And then, to look up and see them all flying in the sky and hanging from trees left us in awe and amazement. 

Butterflies are sacred, symbolic little beings; they represent transformation. They are beautiful, powerful, determined and inspiring. I hope that the Monarchs also planted seeds; of the qualities they possess and perhaps others, into those girls who were blessed to get up close and personal at long last.

Halloween 17

It hasn't yet been a month since we were Trick or Treating. Not even thirty days since were with friends up and down Pinole streets amassing huge amounts of sugar. Yet it feels like so much longer! I just can't get a grasp on how the year has just flown by.

It feels sad that the days are passing by in a blip. I am thankful we had the foresight to set up our decorations at the beginning of October. That allowed us to enjoy them for a time before we started in on the Save the Turkey Day festivities and now it's Christmas/Hanukkah hooplah.

But my mind is still on Halloween. I loved the skeleton heads that decked our lawn and made creepy sounds when guests walked by. I loved the fake cobwebs Don decked out across our small porch, complete with realistic looking spiders!  And of course, there on the porch also sat the two pumpkin Don grew along with several more we collected as the 31st approached. And as always, our sweet Halloween flag hung in the front of house. Not sure what it is about Halloween time but my inner-child sure enjoys it! And my outer, real life kids do too!

This year, when it came time to decide "what to be" for Halloween,  Havana opted to be a character from the Descendents movie (we had a D2 movie party over the summer where she wore the outfit as well.) Havana's custom then was super easy, a no brainer that was also super cute!

Amara wanted to be a bat and her costume was not so easy. She and her dad came up with the idea to make the costume themselves. Amara and Dad went and got the pattern, the material and got to work on a used non working sewing machine that Don managed to make new and working again.

It turned out that making a bat costume was a lot harder and much more time consuming than either of them realized. Thankfully, they started many weeks prior. Don finished just in the nick of time, the night before Halloween. I must say, he did a great job with his first (and maybe last!) sewing project.

As in all the years past, we gathering up on Halloween night and set off with friends. We met up with some other friends along the way, some planned, some unplanned, making the trick or treating all the more exciting! When the night was over, all the kids went home with enough candy to keep them buzzing for weeks!

It was a Happy Halloween for sure!