There is a reason we tell the stories of our ancestors again and again. Whether they are based in fact or symbolism, they give us crucial reminders and reflections that our hearts, minds and souls need. The story of Hanukkah is about the light shining on after a act of violence and hate; an act of darkness. And as I/we lite the candles I could not but see the parallel of the menorah flames in my current life.
This past year was one of personal and external hardship as well as change. There were many dark nights mixed in with days where the light shone through. Many mountains I climbed both inwardly as well as those I witnessed in the external world starting at the tail end of the 2016 with the sudden, unexpected and shocking death of my beloved cousin Larry. I spent the first days of 2017 back East trying to digest his transition while celebrating family memories of Larry with my kin. A few weeks after my return to California, I boarded another East Coast bound plan. That time for Miami, where the girls and I spent a week visiting their great grandmother who, at age 93, was recovering from breast cancer. We were fortunate to spend time with other family as well, cherishing our time with our loved ones still on this earthly plane.
After two trips East in a less than a month, I was barely settled at home when our family boarded another jet. That journey took us to Hawaii for nine days of some much needed R&R. While on that scared tropical island in the Pacific, I got a call with a job offer from Kaiser. I sat on a beach for two days while contemplating whether I would leave my job of eleven years. The decision was not an easy one. Then it was an emotionally brutal two months of closure with clients. Many whom I saw for in individual therapy for many, many years. It was a period of deep introspection as I had to sort through what was my own stuff and what was my clients. Their abandonment triggered my own but with the help of my teacher Scott I was able to sort through and get to my truth. It was an extremely draining process.
In the mists of ending my tenure at HAART my mother was diagnosed with stage 1, non invasive breast cancer. So while the outcome would be positive (give thanks) after surgery and radiation, I had to leave California yet again and head back to Florida. I spent about a week there taking care of my mother and then taking the opportunity to visit my grandmother and other bio family. The trip turned out to be a turning point in my relationship with one of my sisters. Active in her addiction, in full denial about her behaviors and entitlement, I left Florida with feelings of equal sadness and gratitude. Life is neither black and white and once I again I was living in the gray.
I left my job early May and a few days later I boarded my fourth flight in five months. Returning to New York but this time for a much needed time of both retreat and reconnection. I spent time with the people who are my tribe, those closest to my heart and then I secluded myself in for several days atop the mountain in Woodstock where my beloved, spiritual teacher/mother Bella lives. No computer, no phone, hikes in the woods, reading lessons in Buddhism and practicing silence and meditation. That coupled with the patient, direct, deep wisdom of Bella was powerful medicine for me on many levels. During my time there my dearest friend came to visit and together we broke bread and shared so much more. Healing, laughter, love. Things much needed after so much in so short a time.
I returned to California for my new work life at Kaiser. I knew it would be a momentous shift from the small, flat hierarchy, Buddhist leaning, non-profit where I spent more than a decade. But life is about change. Nothing is permanent and I knew inwardly that it was time to take a different path. During my professional transition the girls school was going through some major adjustments that began late winter. Our family was left questioning about the future of the girls education at a school we cherish. Thankfully after a bumpy period things began to smooth out but it took several months of uncertainty about the girls educational future before we felt we could let out a sigh of, "we're good" much to the relief of both girls but especially Amara who is very aware of what is going on around her. It was one thing for me to be going through so much but when things impacted it brought things to another level. Many moments I forgot to remember that everything is Divine Order.
As summer rolled on our family struggled with new work schedules. Juggling all of the pieces of our lives was huge and the girls found it difficult to adjust to me getting home so late in the day. By the time we headed out for a road trip late August I was starting to question whether the place where I landed at in Kaiser was the best match for me. From the get go there were some serious issues and I wondered if another clinic would be better suited. I questioned many things and about what to do. And then, as usual, I found myself Remembering; that all is in Divine Order. Life was a lot less chaotic at Kaiser than HAART so I decided for now I would just learn the lessons, grow professionally, enjoy a shorter commute and trust that when/if it's time to move elsewhere the Creator will let me know. (and I still know in my heart that this is not where I will end up which feels totally okay.)
In the external world, well what can I say? The collective shadow was ready to be emerged and emerge it did. After the elections in November 2016 most of America (and the world) was left in shock when a narcissistic, bully of a man became president. A man whose misogynistic and racist way of being has been acted out both consciously and unconsciously in the world at large. The entire country feels like it is walking on eggshells and that is a very unhealthy way to be living for an extended period of time. I have felt a collective PTSD coming for sometime and while I trust in the Divine Order of things, I suspect things in our country and world may get much darker before the light shines brighter. And then there is the other side, the Kool Aid drinkers, who don't want to know they have been poisoned; that prefer the sweet, sugary, illusions than the truth. But as Hanukkah shows us, the light will prevail from the dark.
I must continually return inward though, not allow myself to get too distracted in the illusion of maya. I must face my own darkness, dig deep into my core, searching for my own light that is there, even when I forget.
This Hanukkah provided the space to ponder and reflect on all this and more. Here's to that truth that the light is always there, even in the darkest times and that the light is what is stronger than the darkness.
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