The Natural World

There is something

about being out in nature;

about feeling the earth underneath bare feet;

about feeling the sun upon your skin;

about feeling the wind touch your face;

about seeing the Creator's magnificence,

in so many countless ways;

that helps a one connect with Source;

that helps one remember that

They are One with Source.

It is this mama's prayer that my girls will always make the time to be in the natural world. And that they will always remember who they really are; that they are one with all Creation.

seaside, california 3/30/2012

First Day Preschool

Today is the first day of Preschool for my baby girl. We have talked about this day for the past week or so. We have been preparing Havana for the transition from Maria to school. She has been able to express feeling both excited and sad. She told Maria, "You are going on vacation." I guess in her little 3-year old mind that is the best way to cope with the change of not being with her beloved Maria 3 days a week. But like most changes, the feelings are mixed. So this morning, Havana got dressed without much fuss. Was actually calling to me to hurry up because, "I have to go to school" and she made sure she had her backpack on the right way!

I dropped her off. She cuddled in my lap for awhile while the kids were sitting on the rug. But as soon as three other 3 year old girls looked over and made silly, friendly faces and told us their names, Havana moved off my lap and onto the rug. I was able to leave her alone shortly thereafter.

That's how she was doing. Me:

I am sad; (this really is the end of the baby years; my girls really are growing up.)

I am excited; (i am excited about her excitement. she loves that she is a big girl now.)

I am relieved; (a little bit of a break. what do i do with 2 hours?!)

I am confused (where did the time go?);

I am happy (for H, to make friends and learn);

But this is life and life moves forward.....

Amber Eyes

Ever since Havana was born with her bright blue eyes, I have heard many a comment about those "beautiful, blue eyes." Many of these comments have been many right in front of her sister, whose faces saddens when she hears that. Sometimes I reply "Thank you but her sister's eyes are pretty too" in an attempt to enlighten the unaware that they are giving one child a compliment while ignoring the other. Sometimes I don't say anything at all but inwardly I am shaking my head. As a mama, I make sure I love my girls equally. To have one singled out so often and the other ignored leaves me feeling sad. Sure, there will be strengths that one has and the other doesn't but the way our culture is with beauty and looks, I am not only sad but a little disturbed by it. I don't want Amara longing for something she doesn't have. I want her to be happy, and comfortable, with who she is and how she looks. I let her know daily just how beautiful she is.

Still, I know this has bothered her and it wasn't long before she told me, "Mama, my eyes are blue on the inside." That just broke my heart. I looked at her and told her, "Amara, you have the most gorgeous brown eyes I have ever seen. You don't need to have blue eyes on the inside. You are perfect just the way you are."  We talked about how she felt about her not getting compliments and in her (then) 3 year old way, was able to express that this bothered her. And, being a little one, we had this same conversation several times until....

When Amara was about 3 we were at Trader Joe's when someone looked at her and said, "You have the prettiest brown eyes." I wish I had a video recorder to document the look on Amara's face and the shift in her body language. Big Sister's face lit up, the biggest smile broke out, she tilted her head to one side, pushed her little hip out and said in the sweetest voice, "Thank You." I could have kissed that woman!

Now, let me be clear that I want my girls to get their feeling of comfort and acceptance from themselves first. I don't want them to grow up seeking external approval. That is insanity.  But at this age, some external approval is crucial in building the foundation for a strong core of self-love. So, yes, I could have kissed that woman in Trader Joe's for in thirty seconds, she did what we call my profession something that was emotionally corrective. Or more simply, healing.

The most remarkable thing though is that Amara's eyes have been changing. They are no longer light brown. They look to me like amber.  We have gone through my jewelery so she knows what amber is and she ooh's and ahh's at how pretty it is. And, yes, of course, I tell her, "Well that is what your eyes look like, my love." I have begun calling her 'my amber eyes', much to her delight.

I am sure the eye compassion will continue for many years (and I now wonder if my brother felt the same way towards me) but in our family we will celebrate our differences and make sure everyone knows they are beautiful and unique in their own special way.

Children's Fairyland

Bright and early one Saturday morning, earlier in the summer, Amara came skipping up to me and asked, "Mama, can we all go to Fairyland today?" "You have to ask your father. You know he likes to stay home on weekends." So off she skipped down the stairs and out the backyard to ask her father. Apparently, Papa said yes, because the next thing I saw was Amara all dressed up for a trip to Fairyland. The girls and I had been there only once before, for Amara's 4th birthday. Don hadn't been to Fairyland since he was a little boy. It hasn't changed much and still helps create laughter and oohs and ahhs from all the little people who come to play.

Catching bubbles.

Enjoying the ride with another little girl.



I love Amara's face in this and the following photo! She was
delighted when she put her key in and then heard someone talking
to her about the wishing well!



Here are the girls at Fairyland a year ago when Amara turned 4!

                      

Bye Bye Preschool

Just yesterday you were born.

Today you are graduating from Preschool.

You are growing up into a most delightful, smart, spunky, strong-willed little lady.

Amara Pearl Josephine, you continue to amaze me, mystify me, rattle me but mostly fill my heart; with joy, love, laughter, and peace.

Amara and Directress, Samudra.

Ambika, a smart, thoughtful friend of Amara's at school. There are about 4 girls who are school bff's.
I feel like I know each of them very well from all of Amara's school stories.

Makala, one of the school bff's is  a very sweet, loving little girl.

Isabella, another of Amara's school bff's. What a darling!
Their other friend Scarlett had finished school earlier in the summer.

Performing for the families.

The Graduating Class

2 Day Old Amara! My, how time has passed so quickly.

Toothless Grin!

Before

After

The tooth in a safe place, awaiting tonight for when it goes under the pillow
for the toothfairy!


It's official: my baby is growing up! She lost her first tooth this morning. It's both exciting and sad.
Amara got her first baby tooth at 5 months and now her first missing one at 5 years. I just can't believe that she is growing up so fast. And she can't stop looking in the mirror and asking her questions about what will happen next, what happens when food gets stuck between her teeth and when will the toothfairy come! Very Sweet and yes, very exciting too!

4th of July

(L-R) Amara, Eleanor, Zenia, Wolf, Niobe, Juniper, Serenity, Vitality, (?), Havana, Raven

 Amara's buddy Eleanor invited us to her 4th of July party this year. It was a ton of fun for the little ones. Obstacle courses, a potato sack race (which Amara was so excited to learn about, let alone try), bubbles, popsicles and each other. A great time had by all!

Maria



Maria, with her little sweet ones, Paola & Roberto





At Fairyland
June 2011





At Amara's 1st birthday.



Performing plastic surgery on Luvey. Maria has restuffed and patched holes
on Luvey about 4x so far!



Maria. Our trustworthy, reliable, grounded, knowledgeable and most importantly, loving, nanny.

Maria came into our lives when Amara was not quite 4 months old.

In the months before Amara was born, when I had time to sit with what my life might look like after her birth, I knew that I would not be a stay at home mother. I knew that my work was part of my calling (as was motherhood) and that at some point I would be returning to my service.  And that meant I would have to find someone, somewhere, to look after my precious Amara Pearl Josephine when my maternity leave was through.

Once Amara arrived and she became the most important part of my world, the mere thought of leaving her caused the muscles in my body to tense and my mind to whirl and spin with all types of maddening thoughts.  Letting go of control of the daily activities of my beloved daughter would be no easy task. Yet I knew, in my heart, that I had to return to the service of my ‘profession’. I was fortunate to discover that the healing field was my path at a very young age and I have not strayed from it for the past twenty years.  Motherhood, while knowing it too was part of this life’s path, took a bit longer to manifest and so, at age 38, I found myself embracing my long awaited Amara while also knowing I would have to submit several days a week away from her. Meant to be, yes, but not so easy, none the less.

I am a skilled networker, and pretty good manifester, but I still doubt myself more often that not. So I set about the task of finding a nanny. Now mind you, where I grew up, a nanny was for the very wealthy, something that never crossed my mind before I landed in the Bay Area. But here, nannies are an intricate part of the lives of working parents. There is a whole subculture of women, many from other cultures, who help to raise our most precious ones. Often, due to cost and social reasons, two families will share a nanny (thus the term nanny share). This also benefits the nanny as her salary can be significantly higher this way.

I scoured BPN (the massive, free Berkeley Parents Network, on-line forum set up to help parents network for anything from childcare, to advice, to housing needs) for nanny shares and posted my own ad. Long story short, and four or five interviews later, we found Maria. She was already working with a 2 ½ year old boy (Ike), whose family wanted a share. When Maria pulled up in our driveway, I felt as if a dear, long lost friend had just returned to see us. A wave of warmth, calm, and certainty washed through me. I knew before she even got out of her car that she was the one. I knew I could now return to work feeling safe and assured.

That first year Maria took more than great care of Amara. She made sure Amara had her pumped breast milk, carried her in the Ergo so Ike could ride the bus or go to the park, helped her get on a nap schedule. She supported Amara’s endless curiosity and sense of adventure like when she would want to climb up the slide at the park and go down all by herself- at 9 months old, when she couldn’t even walk yet! And Maria supported me as well. She encouraged me and reassured me when I had doubts and questions about things. She helped me better understand certain developmental stages. Maria, a mom to (then) 3 year old Paola and 8 year old Roberto, was a natural with children. It was clear as day, that taking care of and teaching children was her calling.

The second year, Ike went off to preschool. I was lucky to secure another family through my growing WestCoCoMoms. Matteo was just two months younger than Amara, which was perfect. That meant that we would stay in our share together for at least a couple of years. Job security for Maria was just as important to our family as was consistency for our girl.  By this point, I had grown to love Maria and I wanted to know she was being taken care of.

The start of the third year Havana was born. During this difficult transition for Amara, Maria helped her get through the life changing adjustment that she wasn’t the queen of the castle any longer. While I stayed home on maternity leave, Amara still spent her 3 days a week with her beloved Maria. This was a crucial piece in our successful transition and when Havana eventually joined the others, things went smoother.

When Amara (and Matteo) went off to preschool, Havana stayed on in the share. By that point, Matteo had a new baby sister. So Havana and Sophia started their relationship and our time with Maria continued on.  For Amara, being able to continue seeing Maria strengthened their relationship. Maria still helped out with both kids in the morning and sometimes takes Amara to school. I can count on Maria to let me know what’s going on in preschool and Amara will share with Maria how she is feeling about things. Their bond is deep and strong.

Havana is getting ready for preschool now and the thought of not having Maria around is a bit unsettling. Don and I are struggling finding a before/after school care person that we feel safe with. We have never in five years had to question Maria’s intentions, her abilities, her dedication, her love, for our girls. There have  been several occasions when a mother has stopped me in the park, store or library and said, "Those are your kids?" and then proceeded to tell me how they saw Maria with them at storytime or at the park and how they thought she was their mother based on how wonderful she was with them and how my girls responded and interacted to her in a way that was like with a family member. Well, Maria is a family member.

Havana doesn’t quite understand that starting school means no more Maria. But we plan on keeping in close contact with her. And her family, because, we have watched Paola and Robert grow up these past five years and we love them as well. The girl’s eyes light up each time they join Maria at work when their school is out and they usually run around the house in excitement. Amara is already planning her sleepover at Maria's with Paola! And when Maria and her family return to Mexico in a few years to run the family business and teach (yeah, Maria is working on her teaching degree), we plan visiting them there. I wasn't joking when I told Maria that I will be at her kids high school graduation and I expect her to be at Amara and Havana's. She is family.

Each parent, who has to leave their child, even for a short time, worries and hopes their little ones are safe and well. To have been able to go to work for the past five years and feel safe, feel confident, to be able to let go and not worry once, not once has been a blessing.  And it speaks volumes of the character and nature of our irreplaceable Maria.

Paola, Ike, Maria & Amara during the first year.

                        

Create in Clay (a story about clay and friendship)

Getting a lesson at clay at Create in Clay

One of the blessings in having good friends is that we get to share some of their joyful moments. And for five year olds, a birthday party with their buddies, falls into the very happy category. To be able to play, run around, sing, giggle and eat cake with each other is like nirvana to them! And on one recent occasion, our little Monkey got to do all of these things plus learn how to throw pots at her friend Elliot's 5th birthday.

Before I share about the wonderful space called Create in Clay Ceramics School, I have to mention why this birthday party was especially sweet.

When Amara was 12 weeks old I joined one of the Support Groups for Mothers groups here in the East Bay (http://www.supportgroupformothers.com/index.php).  Being a new mom was not as easy as I had fantasized it would be. In fact, the first days and weeks were rough, challenging ones. I sought out the support of other new moms who might be experiencing similar feelings and experiences.The other babies in the group ranged from 4 weeks to Amara's 12 weeks. That room, filled with those other new mama's and their newborns, guided by the loving, knowledgeable leader Jennifer Subasic-Marks, helped us to feel safe, helped us to feel normal in our unknowing, helped us to navigate the bumpy moments and helped us to form friendships that have lasted, well the past 5 years!

Over these years, as the mama friendships have grown, we have shared in each other's joys (new babies, new homes, new jobs, travel adventures) and supported each other in the darker moments (ill health of loved ones or oneself, miscarriage, layoffs). And the little ones are always thrilled to see and play with one another. Some real friendships were formed in that room and during those early play dates.

On this particular day in July, we were thrilled to celebrate Elliot's birthday with him, his baby brother Austin and his parents Zach and Kari. We always enjoy spending time with this warm, loving, conscious and kind family. The phrase 'good people' was formed because of people like these. 

This year, Elliot's parents choose to have his party at Create in Clay Ceramic School, a non-profit ceramics school on San Pablo Ave in Emeryville http://www.createinclay.org/, which turned out to be a splendid time for all.

For most of the little people at Elliot's party, working with clay in this form was a first. And what better fun than to try something new that is also messy but which turns into something beautiful. Thrilling!

The folks that run the school are natural born artists who were made to teach. Christian Moffat and his wife (whose name I didn't catch) were patient and calm teachers who knew how to work with children of this age in a way that was engaging and inviting. It could seem daunting to the little ones to use the wheel but they showed them how it all worked, step by step, in a way that made them all feel confident to try.  And when Christian asked me about my camera and we began talking about photography, I learned he was a photographer as well. But he falls in the 'real photographer' category. I mentioned some of my struggles remembering exposure and settings and in what seemed to be his good natured way, he explained things to me that I could actually remember and he gave some simple but important suggestions. It was clear to me that he and his partner were working at their calling.  And the school was clearly set up for a kids birthday party as there was space in the second room for sitting down to enjoy food and of course, cake!

A comparison between clay and friendships seems cliche, and well, corny, but it's appropriate for this group of friends. We started out as little wet balls, mussy and unformed, in our new motherhood roles. But with time, support, compassion and patience we have all formed into good mamas who now have some pretty good friends. That's a pretty good outcome, I say.

(L-R) Calvin, Elliot, (a girl we don't know!), Alina & Eleanor

Havana was happier in the observant role today. She wanted nothing
to do with the clay!

                    



The birthday boy & his mama, Kari!



Calvin & his mama Irene

Alina & Jorge

The space was set up perfectly for each to have their own wheel.

Some of other students work on display.

That's Amara, learning with the the help of her papa.

Amara really loved this new experience. She has always been so curious.
Curiosity and Creatively are a beautiful match.

 

Singing happy birthday with Donovan & Calvin helping out!

Then handiwork of the little people. They all made lovely pieces.

Putting on the final touches and making clay sculptures.
Havana was so curious was wouldn't touch the clay? Hum?!

This is a Halloween group shot of the little ones about a month after we first met.
Amara is the pea followed by Rose, Donovan, Elliot, Calvin, Alina & Eleanor.
(2007)