Disruptive, Resistant & Non-Compliant Kids (training with Bill Corbett)

The Time Timer; A Great tool to help kids complete tasks. Kids respond much better to visual reminders.
Check out  www.timetimer.com 

I recently spent the day at a CE (continuing education) training titled Disruptive, Resistant & Non-compliant Kids with parent educator Bill Corbett. I signed up with the intention to learn how to handle the more challenging behaviors that parents present in the therapy room as well as to add some new tools to my own parenting tool box. I left the training feeling like I would be a better therapist and a better parent as a result of the day spent with Corbett. The concepts were practical, smart and supportive of children's emotional, mental, physical and spiritual selves. The latter I was not expecting but was quite pleased to discover. I studied Transpersonal Psychology at JFKU. Son in our home, remembering who we are as Spirit is part of the fabric of our family.

On the personal side of parenting, I had been experiencing my fair share of frustrating moments with my girls. Some that have left me in tears and questioning my mother skills. I was relieved to discover that many of the things I have been doing were some of the tools suggested. Being affirmed that I was doing the 'right thing' more than I realized was like a shot of B-12 to my doubting self.

I will outline some of what I learned bullet-point style, which seems easiest and most efficient. My intention here is to share what I learned so we all can learn. Years ago, while doing AVP at Sing-Sing, there was a poster that read, "If you don't tell someone something you rob them of the experience to learn and grow." So with that in mind I will share some of what I learned.

-Children become  Disruptive, Resistant & Noncompliant because of emotional disconnect.

-Children become disconnected to parents because of several types of parenting styles:

 -Autocratic parents rob their children of feeling powerful and valuable.

 -Helicopter parents rob their children of feeling capable and responsible

 -Permissive parents rob their children of feeling safe through boundaries and limits.

 -Other parents include absent or overwhelmed parents who are trying to deal with their own chaos. They put a minimal effort into parenting.

-When you have been away from your child for a period of time they need to plug back in . Put down the phone, be present and let them recharge with you.  Otherwise you will see tantrums, resistant or children will start to disconnect from you emotionally.

-Parents who bribe their children teach external motivation. Do this in a limited fashion.

-Time out's should be re-framed as Quiet Space. Children should know they are going to their space to help them calm down. It is not punishment. That should be made clear to the child. (you can help the child by helping them create their own Quiet Space-when they are calm- with things that will help them to self-soothe and return to Self/base-line.)

-Tools to help
*Visual Timers. (like the Time Timer photographed above. It works great for kids with ADHD and on the Autism Spectrum as well. We have begun using it and it's wonderful.)
*Visual Schedules.
*Talk Less. (prevents 'parent deafness.")
*Rules (promotes planning and forethought and transfer power to the child. We want to empower our children.)
*Self-Care. (for care-giver)
*Limit Electronic Entertainment. (30 minutes of use at a time.)
*Cooperation (must be taught formally)
*Consequences (should only be used if a child is going to hurt themselves or another.)
*Provide More Power (give the child a choice but only 2 to limit difficulty choosing.)

-Use an alternative to the word "No" i.e. "I am not ready for that" or "I am not willing."

-The goal is to raise accountable children.

-Our job as parents is to help children connect with their purpose. We can do this by helping them in these ways;

* Feel Capable
* Feel Confident
* Be Accountable
* Hear their Inner Voice
* Feel Complete and Whole (reminding and modeling that things outside of themselves will not make them happier or complete.)
* Feel and Manage Emotions.
* Learning to Say No (so that they learn boundaries and limit setting with others and Self.)
* Encourage to Dream Big

-Encourage not Praise ('Wow! How did it feel to do that?" vs "Wow! You did a great job" or  "Tell me about that painting." vs."Great painting" or "Tell me more" vs. "I see you did such and such."
*This helps children to not look outward for praise and motivation. Those things are important and are demonstrated by the parent by their presence and being engaged in positive questioning but children grow up healthier if they learn not to look outward for their praise and motivation.

-Listening to your children helps them to feel validated, seen, heard, loved. If your child feels heard then they are less likely to act out.

-Tools to help your child feel heard.
*Get down to their eye level.(I always bend down when talking to the girls or sit on the floor. I found this helps them also to feel more comfortable talking and listening. They don't feel towered over.)
*Try to be present. (not thinking of other things while your kids talk.)
*Remain Quiet. (let your child finish what they have to say.)
*Be reflective. (reflective listening is a crucial aspect of therapy. "So you didn't like when that happened?" "That sounds like you enjoyed that?")

-Allow kids to be kids. (For example; I like things clean and organized but kids are messy. One thing I have learned is to the kids to be messy. We can clean up later. Let them have fun now. Allow them to just be themselves.

-When you are a child you are most connected to your essence. Growing up is hard and takes a child away from remembering who the truly are. Help them stay connected to themselves.


This material was taken from the workshop. If you want more information please check out www.BillCorbett.com for more information. He has written several books and also has a t.v. show which I think is shown on one of the public assess stations on Comcast. It's called Creating Cooperative Kids.