11th Year

 

Baby Girl has started 11th grade at Bentley. This is the most challenging year in high school. Most of the kids are off to a bumpy start as they adjust to college level classes, while being a junior in high school.

Havana will continue learning art (photography) with her supportive and amazing art teacher. Havana has some impressive photography skills, preferring often black and white, and I look forward to seeing her work progress. She will also continue Spanish. I never pushed the girls to do anything but learning and eventually being fluent in Spanish is the one exception. It is Don’s mother’s native tongue and on my bio dad’s side, it is the same. We come from Spanish speaking origins. I want both Havana and Amara to speak Spanish.

Havana is the co-editor of the Bentley art magazine. Amara was involved last year, as was Havana but Havana now has a bigger role. I love that for her. She has a good eye and this will be a good outlet for her.

There are some tough classes which she has to complete; Human Rights and Genocide, being the first one. Difficult topics at any age can be challenging but add to that it being taught college seminar style makes it a big leap in learning style. I know she can muster through, despite some doubts. I love that our next big travel adventure is to Rwanda and Uganda, where she will visit the Genocide Museum and see first hand the brutality of the things she will learn in school. Some of the school lessons might click together when she experiences the museum. 

There is English, where is is reading Paradise Lost. No easy task but her teacher does his job excellently and so there is much to learn there as well.

Havana will probably manage the basketball team to get her PE credits. Sports are not her thing and I appreciate that there are options to get those required credits full filled. Sometimes in life we have to do things we don’t want to, while other times it is good to have alternative options.

Havana remains close with her friend group. She has a few solid and creative friends. This being such a delicate time of life for teenagers, having good and caring friends is almost as important as school itself. Small things like going out for boba after school can be as meaningful as support when you did not do well on a test. Havana has good friends who hold both spaces and she is a very good friend as well.

So here’s to her junior year, where she will start to think about college and learn and grown in ways we have yet to even imagine. 

Heading to UO

 

Amara has gone to UO. There are so many feelings. 

How at odds to feel so excited and beyond thrilled to see my Amara Pearl go off to a life at college where she will thrive, transform, learn more about herself and have perhaps some of the best years and hopefully make some of her best life long friends. While at the same time, I feel heartbroken, sad and a bit empty.

I hold deep joy for what she will experience,

I hold deep sadness for the shift of our family dynamics, which are now forever different.

I also feel so fucking grateful that my lifelong dream of being a mama came true and that I hit the lottery with my two small gems.. 

Being a mom to both Amara and Havana have been the greatest gifts of my life, the best experiences and I  have such deep gratitude to be both of their moms.

Now witnessing my firstborn step into her life as an adult is beautiful and bittersweet.

Whenever either of them experiences life in ways that support them in growing, learning and living life to the fullest I am grateful beyond words. I know college will be that for Amara. 

I am also relieved to my core that I still have two more years with Havana!

Amara spent most of the summer preparing for college. Packing, organizing, planning and connecting with her new rooms. That is Amara; always ready to greet life prepared and making sure she has all her ducks in a row. (pun intended!)

When go day arrived, Amara and Don packed up the car.  We had a long but sweet drive to Oregon. The next morning, we helped Amara unpack and get settled into her dorm. Our family dynamics have shifted in ways long before college but bringing Amara to college, that brought us together in a profound way and allowed, for all the good times and all the memories to gently rise to the surface and it cemented that fact that while the future is changing for us all, we have been a family and we have loved deeply, grown together and had many wonderful adventures and experiences. Sending Amara off to college was a lovely example of our love for each other as a family.

(And I repeat, I am deeply relieved I have two more years with Baby Girl because one being away at college is enough for now!)

I can’t wait to see how college life will unfold for Amara. The anticipation and joy is a beautiful thing.

Pierced Part 2

 

Both Amara and Havana have been wanting to add to their ear piercings for quite some time. Havana has wanted to re-pierce her second holes, which closed some time ago. Big Sis wanted to get a third hole on one side. I attempted to delay both of their requests! I wanted to make sure Havana would take care of her second holes again, not letting them close and for Amara, having a third piercing higher up in the ear is more statement orientated. I wanted to make sure she really wanted to do this. Like her noise piercing, which she was consistent about wanting for two years before I knew she was serious about it, I felt it she was sure and thus ready. I also felt Havana was ready to take care of herself in a different way.

Because we were going to New York and because I am a big of a   I thought it would be fitting to return to Live by the Sword in SoHo to have their ears done. I was glad I made an appointment. Unlike last time when we were in and out quickly on weekday, the place was packed on a Saturday in early evening. 

I was able to go back with Havana to take my photos but Amara, because she is 18 now (and really did not need my permission anymore) had to go back on her own. Thankfully some of the artists on staff took some photos for me. As mentioned in my Summer of 2025 post, I mentioned how we were all digesting Amara’s impending departure to college in our own way, not being allowed to be with her to support her hit me hard in my solar peluxus. It was a hard reality check that Big Sis was an adult now.

Post Piercing Foot Massage at our favorite spot in Chinatown.

Summer 2025

 

This Summer was a bit mellower than some of those that have gone by. With Amara preparing to fly the coop for UO, she wanted to hang out with friends. Havana expressed wanting to work but was not quite ready for that, instead opting to hang out with friends as well and selling clothing on Depop. Still, I had hoped to take the girls on special travel adventure, being this was Amara’s last summer before moving to college as an adult. Time was limited, I had a medical procedure in August and it just didn’t seem in the cards. That didn’t mean however, that we stayed in California the whole summer!

Amara had to attend UO’s orientation so I took them up for a long weekend prior, which coincided with the Oregon Country Fair. We had a fun time exploring bookstores in Eugene, going for a short hike in the 95 degree weather and Amara got to meet one of her roommates when the two of them went out for dinner. While the Country Fair turned out to be underwhelming for us all, the rest of our time was fun. Eugene really is a great town and Oregon overall is a stunning with her deep greens, mountains and hills and trees that cover much of the landscape in that area. When Sunday rolled around. I flew home, the girls stayed and Don flew up and spent the rest of the week with them. Together, they spent a few days on the coast, exploring, thrifting, hiking and even taking in a movie. They had a blast. When it came time for Amara to do her 2 day orientation (which meant overnight in the dorms), Havana hung out on her own while Don did parenting stuff at the University. 

I did take the girls on a trip back East. I don’t want to sound entitled or dismissive of a trip to New York and Florida but for someone born in Florida and raised in New York, that is not what I think of when I think of  a special travel adventure. And, it was a sad occasion. I had to co-lead the service a heart brother in New York who died suddenly and then in Florida we had a memorial for the spouse of one of bio siblings. Despite the sadness of those who passed, we did make sure to have some good moments as well. Spending time with Bella in Woodstock for a few days is always a gift and seeing family in Florida is also a blessing, despite the reason for being there. We spent a few days in Key Largo, a central point for all us, after a day with Nana. 

The rest of the Summer was hanging out with friends, going to the beach, thrift shops, hanging out in Berkley or Walnut Creek and moving around the elephant in the room, which was Amara would be learning soon for college. I think each of us, in our own way, spent the summer trying to digest that most significant milestone.

When I had my surgery, it turned out that summer was the perfect time to recover. The girls were home, they were super helpful and it gave us time to be together. Who knew that I would grow even closer to my two small gems in the summer of 2025.

I learned this summer that whether we have grand adventures, smaller ones or stay at home, the power of our connections and love is really what matters most.

Sweet 16!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My sweet Havana Ruby is 16! I say it frequently, but how does time move by so quickly? That Havana, like her sister, will soon be an adult is too hard to fathom. I am comforted that we have two more years with her in the house and I am grateful that Havana is still young. Havana is both young at heart and sometimes young in how she shows up in the world but at the same time, she has an old soul. Watching her teeter in both spaces is a curious thing to witness. Sometimes I feel like her teenage years are bit more challenging for her and yet, she is moving forward in her own way, with her own inner compass guiding her.

Havana often has deep wisdom that she will share when she feels like it or when she is annoyed with you. Her truth, while sometimes delivered a bit harsh, is usually spot on. She is smart and sharp and has good advice about things and people. And then, there is the teetering; when her younger self is present and I have to take things she expressed with a deep breath or a grain of salt. But no matter how Havana is showing up, I cherish all of her. She reminds me a lot of myself at this age, which is both difficult but also allows me to understand her-somewhat more. 

With a little more self-determination, Havana will do many great things. I have started to witness that there is the need for her to push herself more, while at the same time, she knows her limits, energetically and physically, and will set boundaries for what she and can not do. Havana knows when she needs to decompress, reset and recharge. I am reassured that at her age, she knows her limits. That said, there are times, I know Havana could step forward more in her life but being a teenager can impede that.

Havana continues to be the cat whisperer. That will probably not change. She is looking forward to some cat sitting jobs this summer.

Havana has a sense of style and a good sense of fashion dos/don'ts. I often defer to her on what looks good and what doesn't. She has taken to 'borrowing' my jewelry (she takes without asking but she does put it back!), which I get a kick out of. I am told often how much of a hippie I am, with no real sense of style but I guess my earrings, bracelets and rings are good enough for this finicky teen.

Havana has a small but sweet group of friends. I have long encouraged both of the girls to keep close to those who you feel connected to; that you don't need many friends but a few real, authentic people in your life will be much more fulfilling and meaningful. Havana has some life long friendships and some newer ones that are meaningful to her. She is a thoughtful friend, always has been. She is kind and giving and her humor has only grown. Havana is ver funny, sharp and quick witted. 

Havana and her sister have gotten closer as they have gotten older. Like all siblings, there are some knock down, drag out moments but more often I will hear them in each other's rooms, making plans, sharing outfit ideas, asking for input on outfits, conspiring how to get concert tickets and so much more. They love to go thrifting together and they are addicted to Boba, with Havana often getting Amara to take her to get some after school. Amara complains at times about being Havana's chauffeur but it is quite endearing, the two of them going out together and doing things or meeting friends. Their relationship is sweet, solid and strong. I love that for them. I am have some concerns what Havana will do when big sis goes to UO next year. We are already making plans for her to fly up and visit. I am most thankful for modern technology and things like FaceTime so they can stay connected. But the adjustment is going to be a significant one for Havana. I hope she will lean into more school activities or outside hobbies that will offer healthy outlets. I will also be keeping her as close as she will let me.

Havana has been the rainbow in my life. Since birth she has been a joyful gem. Her teen years have brought in some cloudy moments but that is part of this development period. I sometimes wonder if Havana has yet to fully she herself in all the gloriousness of who she is. Probably not. Most of don't until much later in life but I do hope that her confidence grows, that she will always be kind and compassionate towards herself and know that she is a rainbow. She lights up my life and those around her.

Happy Sixteenth to my Havana Ruby Modesta.

18!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Amara is 18!

18! 

18!

I can't even digest that.

18 years ago, Amara graced my life with her 9 lb 2 oz self and has been my shadow ever since.

I have loved her being my shadow.

I have loved watching her grow. 

I have loved watching her zest for life.

I have loved witnessing her passions develop.

I have loved having a front seat to her see her talents emerge.

I have not always loved the harder moments. 

The ones where she struggled and I was clueless.

I did not have good mothering but I strived to be to Amara what I did not have.

I pray it was good enough.

She was and is her own wise and strong self. 

She is, and always has been, an old soul in her teeny self.

Amara has always been thoughtful and kind. Sometimes taking too much on.

I hope she learns to let things go, as well as others stuff that is not hers.

Amara is magical and creative.

Amara is hardworking and a perfectionist.

I hope she learns to find balance with rest and play and that realizes sooner in life than later, that true riches come from a happy heart, tons of laughter and being awakened to her true self and her connection to all of creation.

My days blogging about Amara will mostly cease after this summer. I have two more years with Havana so I am sure she will be present in posts but this blog has been about their childhood; highlighting their adventures, capturing their magical adventures and travels, sharing stories about their mother so they can better know who she is and having a place to look back and she what their childhood was like. Memories fade but these photos and words will be their living document of the life of my two small gems.

Here are some glimpses of Amara's life before she turned 18.