The past eight months have been very intense and emotional due to my having take on the care taker role my parent. Being I am 3,000 miles, I am no doing much physical case management, I have been trying to manage things from my end to make her life easier. Jacqueline is now 83 years old, and getting more frail with her complex medical issues. That along with a a deep fear of being alone, which was getting worse, has made the last few years difficult but within the past year, there have been repeated falls, extended hospital stays and depression. Late last winter, when her neighbors, and good friends, said they were moving, I knew that she would not handle it well. They looked out for each other and kept each other company. They would socialize with other friends, having lunch or dinner out, playing mahjong or rummy cube. sometimes even taking in a movie or show. But mom’s driving started to become an issue as well. She could not see as well at night and there was some memory issues. Her neighbor friend would often help with driving (they used to share in driving in the past) and now, without being able to drive and being more isolated at home, we started to see her health worsening even further.
I work with pain patients. I have long studied and practiced somatic psychology. Jacquie’s health has been very poor for a long time but being at home, not being able to get out, that would not bode well for her on any level. I knew things would shift when she became more isolate and her health deteriorated further. Little did I know however, how quickly her life as it currently was was going to shift.
Before I go on, I want to share a bit about Jacquie. This blog is for the girls and when they get older, they may look back on these times; when I had to make almost a half a dozen trips to Florida in as many months. They have commented on my being gone so frequent and missing important dates and events. Maybe when they get older this post will allow for a better understanding of my physical absences and as well my mental absences when I was home. For in between working, the family and then trying to align things for my mom to shit her lifestyle, from 3000 miles away, I have been distant at times, distracted, moody. This has been most hard on my mother, for it is her life that took such a dramatic turn. But my life was also upended quite a bit. I had to handle all this on my own. With no support from anyone, no even a ‘how are you handling things?’, ‘I am sorry it’s so hard’ or ‘What can I do to help?’, from anyone. It’s been trying, hard, sad and lonely. One day maybe the girls will read this and understand. I also want to see why it was so hard (and still is) to look after someone who raised me but whom there is not much connection. Supporting Jacquie (and it has been for years now, financially, emotionally, mentally) has become an act of service. Coming from this perspective has helped me to stay in my heart, or to return there sooner than later when other feelings (resentment, anger) arise.
My mother has had a troubled childhood. My father provided her a safe, protective space as an adult. He took care of her, let her rule the roast. She has always been controlling due to not having had any control or safety as a child. That along with being sold at 8 months through a black market adoption, has caused for deep wounds she never healed from. Her adoptive parents were kind and loving and gracious. The extended family was the extreme opposite. With no siblings to keep her company and spending time with that unkind, cruel extended family; well it caused deep holes that later impacted myself and my brother. For the sake of her privacy and for the sake of fairness, she did her best and it was good enough, for the most part. For the most part.
Now here I was, with my teenager going through all of my mom's belongings, sometimes memories from the past came barreling into my mind or heart as I was sorting. It was an emotionally draining process getting rid of what she no longer needed and packing up what was too important to let go. Jacquie had downsized some years back, so that helped, but still, I felt spent by the end of day one and there were many more days to go. I had already known filled her time tastefully buying tchotchkes that she now longer wanted. I found it sad that she tried to fill the empty holes with shopping and other avenues that would never work but was hopeful that when we donated the items, maybe someone else would be able to enjoy them in their own home.
During the sorting, donating, and cleaning process, we would stop at some point in the day to pick up Nana. We did not want to visit her at her ALF. There was a few cases of covid in her building, which meant we wanted to avoid getting sick but it also meant she was staying in her room. Isolation, her kryptonite. She was wearing a mask for about a week prior. We felt safe enough to take her out. So with our own masks on and lots of handwashing, we took her out of pizza, dinner with friends, clothes shopping (she lost over 50 lbs) and to the condo to pick up anything she wanted to bring to her new home. That was a hard one; seeing her come into a place she lived for years but be emotionally detached. I guess it was how she had to protect herself about the reality of her new life. Denial and going into her mind, distasting herself mentally and emotionally, these both have always been her first line of defense. Now, she wanted only a few pieces of art that she had made years ago. She did not want any photos of my brother or I, the grandkids or her husband (but I took the liberty to bring a few when she first moved in, despite her protests). Amara and I both took notice of the emotional disconnect, something that had nothing to do with her age. It had been like this my entire life but seeing it now, as an adult, it made me realize some hard truths and validate why I had struggled with some areas of life and further confirmed the things I want to let go off, patterns that I picked up but that do not serve me in the least. It was also humbling for Amara to see her grandmother as she was and to see the similarities between nana and mama. I had several honest, raw conversations with Amara how how nana was in the past and present, how it impacted me and how I struggled. I think Amara got to know her mother in a different way. She is mature beyond her sixteen years and does not miss much. She saw me struggle with my mother and she saw how I was treated. Maybe this will help her to understand more one day, about my own imperfections as well as to shine a light on the dedicated efforts I have made to do my own inquiry and inner work, to free myself. Because by doing that I am working on being a better mom than the one I had. Mine was one who tried her best. It was okay for the most part. For the most part. But not all the parts.
There were some highlights during the many days of hard physical and mental and emotional work. We did a quick twenty-four hour trip to Key West to get my sister, who came back to help us. She was a godsend. She was supportive and helpful and patient. She held me during the hard moments and we laughed during the funny ones. Amara adores her Tia and together they took some time away from the condo when I had to work, to do thrifting, have lunch and hang out. We also spent time with my beloved Tia Martha and my Uncle John and some family friends, while in the in the Keys. We ate Cuban food, shared stories (these were the bio family, including Susan's childhood best friend) and laughed. The best part was that I met my first cousin Veronica and Amara met her kids. It filled my heart that we connected with such loving, kind family, with whom we shared many things in common.
Life is not always easy. There are ups and downs and changes and more changes. Nothing stays the same. We are always moving with change. This part of my life, it has been quite challenging because of everything it included; caretaking a parent from across the country; facing my own shadows related to our relationship; facing the painful truth of how I have sometimes showed up in the world not at my best; there was the stating new relationships with new family; there was the thinking about my own life as I age and how I need to move into my future a bit differently; there supporting my family in being their best healthy selves.
Here are some photos i found in mom's house. The Jacquie, herb, and maternal grandparents Ben and Pearl (Amara is named after her, in part) at Mark's Bar Mitzvah
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