I love New York. I love my tribe in New York. I am always thankful to be there with them and drink in their presence while on the green, lush earth that makes up that part of the planet. Usually my time in New York is full of joy and laughter, surrounded by those trees and mountains, rivers and valleys that my heart and soul love and resonate so powerfully with.
This past April however, my time in New York was due to unfathomable heartbreak after the loss of one of my tribe and to support my heart sister in the process of saying goodbye. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. By the time I arrived, until a few days later after the service, which I officiated, I was emotionally, physically and mentally spent. I felt my grief deep into my bones. I felt the bottomless grief of my heart sister and I felt the pain and sorrow all of those who came to say goodbye to one so bright, joyous and wise. Combined with jet lag, I could barely keep my eyes open when I left Long Island and headed Upstate to my beloved teacher Bella's house. I could not remember a time I was that exhausted and drained for such an extended period of time.
I had planned to spend time with Bella (my spiritual mother) for the next few days. But alas, my planning meant zilch. Yet, the Creator always works things out in a way that is meant to be. In this case, the Creator provided what I needed and it was truly supportive and loving. So while I intended to stay with Bella, she too was dealing with a loss and was down in Princeton. Thus, I would have several days to be alone, to process my grief, others grief and to rest and recoup. During the journey North, I took a moment to practice self-care at one of my most favorite foot massage spots in Chinatown (I was too tired to even go further into the City, something I had planned to do). The masseuse said, "You are very tense and tight." "No Shit", I said silently in my head as I tried to stay awake! My body was most grateful for those strong hands to help move out some of that deep grief.
While I spent those next several days resting and processing, I also got to visit with some of my tribe. My people, who I love, trust and with whom there is no time for mundane catch ups. We met, hugged (all vaccinated!) and got into the deep, raw and honest aspects of our lives. We shared some of our current inner work, the struggles and joys we were experiencing, all in those raw, honest, intense ways that allow me to feel open and trusting with another human. As I sat listening to some painful challenges, I realized that this open, raw, honest depth is what allows me to feel safe and trusting with another person. My New York tribe, we created a sacred space for hearts and minds to truly connect. If there was one thing the death of Izak taught me, it was to be as connected to heart and mind as possible, especially when sharing ones precious time with others.
I was thankful for the laughs, tears and quiet moments we shared. Sometimes, just sitting outside for hours. Sometimes breaking bread. I was beyond exhausted by I felt present and my heart was wide open. Even when my trip was nearing it's end and I got to see my heart brother who is terminally ill, it was with an open heart and full presence. As the grief swelled in my heart once more, I was still profoundly grateful to be able to say goodbye to someone I care deeply for, while they are still here. This exchange however, was also something that took a lot out of me because it was so very difficult to come to terms with the reality that this would be the last time I got to look into my heart brothers eyes. The way that I was able to self-care from that was with a walk on a favorite trail, surrounded by trees.
Life is a balance however and with all this sadness, I still go to smile, laugh, see bear, witness a powerful full moon, take a walk with my dear friend through the woods. I would say this trip was not quite equally balanced though, as the grief was so much heavier than the the lightness of the lighter moments but I am most thankful for the chance to at least Be with those I love, in a place I love.
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