Presence

Presence seems to be one of the on-going themes of my parenting. Presence, or at times, the lack of it. I struggle daily with being in the moment; with paying attention to my girls with paying attention to myself (inwardly); with the balance of the daily mundane duties and my desire to be present with the girls. This is one of the most challenging aspects of my life with my girls.

Presence allows for feeling connected to both the girls and myself. Presence allows for being with whatever is arising in the moment. Presence allows for feeling grounded, supportive, supported, compassionate. Presence is awareness. And I know for sure that awareness helps one to remember who one truly is; their essence. This is what I want for all the members in my family but especially Amara and Havana.

I can feel it my body when I am or am not present. My head feels heavier. My thoughts more distracted. I find myself acting in ways that are not mindful. I can shift things, or not, because of this awareness. Patience plays a big role in all of this. The more patient I am with the girls (and myself) the more present I find myself. The more present the more patient. How interesting! It is not easy when I come home tired from doing hours of therapy and have to cook dinner, do baths, engage in playtime and clean up the house. The girls father is super hands-on, and for that I am most grateful, but still, it takes an enormous amount of energy to be the mama in a family while also balancing a professional life (which is more like a soul calling). Staying present through it all is something I strive for. But something I fail at often.

Like many parents, I suffer from chronic fatigue. Not chronic fatigue syndrome. Just chronic parenting fatigue. My girls are like the energizer rabbits and unless they are asleep they are go, go, go. I find myself distracted at the end of the day and I find myself wanting to pass the time more easily.

Perhaps other parents can relate. And while this may be a part of life with two little beings, this is not okay for me, as I want to cherish and relish our daily moments. I do not want to glance at the clock thinking, "how much longer till bedtime so I can sleep too?" It is in that vain I am making the effort to take more deep breaths, sit patiently through the long afternoons after working and finding ways to engage with the girls in meaningful ways.

I am also aware of what I bring to the table on an emotional level and how it supports presence or pushes it away.

My mother was not very present. She was often distracted, caught up in her own her own life. She had alot of her own wounding to cope with. Years with my teacher (http://www.ridhwan.org/) has helped me to sort through and sit with the pain of the aloneness and lack of presence I felt throughout my childhood. I don't remember much engagement, much 1:1 time, much affection or presence. We didn't talk with each other or spend quality time together. I remember the television being put on every night after dinner and everyone zoning out. It was as my brother Mark said recently, "Like living in a house with strangers."

It was that modeling, that holding (or rather lack of) that I have as a reference for parenting. It is not the type of parenting I would ever want for any child, let alone the two souls who graced my life. So it has become part of my path to learn about parenting in healthy ways. I have had to learn to be with my own wounds, which presence supports and which presence helps heals. The process is slow. I am impatient but I know that eventually I will reach that solid place I yearn for (or rather feel that solid place that is part of me but forget so often) and I pray that in the process my impact on my children will be better not worse.