Steppin Out

Mama Anjahni & Havana, Steppin Out

A few months back, at a neighbors garage sale,  I found almost new Keens for Little Ms. Havana. I just love when I score deals like that. I mean where can you find almost new Keens for $2 bucks?! And now that my Little Havana is growing like a weed, they are fitting perfectly! Then, just the other day, while at Nordstroms half year sale, I found the same shoes, same style, in the kids clearance section in my size for a steal. (yes, I can buy kids sizes!)

I like Keens for my workouts at the Y as I have a strong aversion to closed shoes (my feet have to breath). So a new pair of Keens that matched Havana's, was something my soul-child couldn't resist! Havana was thrilled too! "Mama, has my same shoes!" Amara was a little green with envy at all of this. One of her life lessons, it seems, is to work with her jealousy and learn that she is okay (inwardly) if she doesn't experience what her sister or others do. And in the meantime, me and Little Ms. Havana get to step out in matching styles!

San Francisco

San Francisco is a city where people can just Be.

Despite living less than thirty minutes to San Francisco by B.A.R.T. (public train) or car (no traffic) for the last twelve years, the city still feels like a mystery to me. The East Bay has almost all we need as far as culture, community, nature, shopping and other resources. Thus, I don't often find my way across the Bay Bridge or in the 8 mile B.A.R.T. tunnel that lays across the bay floor. And truth be told, I am not much a fan of cities, other than my native New York (I am biased, I admit).  Yet each time I make the trek across the Bay, I think, "What a beautiful city. I need to come here more often. There is so much history here that I would love to explore."

One of my favorite bands, The Grateful Dead, was born in San Francisco, during the counter-culture sixties. Some of the best musicians of our time come from the 'City by the Bay.' Many of my older clients at the methadone clinic have some great stories about seeing the likes of Jimi Hendrix or The Doors at the smaller, more intimate venues. Some of my them even roomed with the likes of Janis Joplin and Carlos Santana. How I wouldn't have loved to spent some time in the San Francisco of the late 1960's. But alas, I was only born in the Summer of Love and am resigned to enjoy the city as a visitor.

The city's 60's culture took root and today San Francisco is one of the most progressive places on the planet. Those roots have spread to most of the Bay Area and we are most fortunate to be raising our girls where most people (I emphasize most) are opened minded, respect and honor people's differences in sexual orientation, race, and culture, care about the environment and generally, think outside the box. For those who know me, it's no surprise Divine Order guided me to set down my own roots in Northern California.

Not too long ago, in late winter, Amara & I spent a weekend morning exploring some of the more touristy spots. And a tourist I felt like as we went to some of the spots seen on travel brochures. But we still had a ton of fun! Amara had a blast as we rode the cable cars, saw the sea lions and checked out the one or two street performers who braved the infamous cold, windy San Francisco weather. Amara enjoyed the day more so because were joined by our friends, Lisa & Dylan. Dylan and Amara were not yet born when their mama's met. I am also including some shots of the breathtaking city & it's surrounding sites taken at other times.

.

Amara & Dylan

Infamous Alcatraz.



Famous Lombard Street with views of the city's well known hills.

 



View of the city from Skyline Blvd. in the East Bay



View of the Golden Gate from the East Bay on an overcast day.
Alcatraz is the island in the middle of the bay.

                    
                     

Family Rules

Family Rules

1:  No hurting Each Other.

     That means:

    No Hitting

    No Biting

    no Pinching          

    No Pulling Hair

    No Kicking

2: Speak and Treat each other with      

     With Respect.

     That Means:

     No Calling Names (like stupid)

     No Potty talk

     No Yelling

     No interrupting others

     (use ‘excuse me’)

3:  Put your plate in the sink after

      each meal

4:  Clean up your toys after you are

      done and/or clean up before bed

5: Listen to your Parents.

    Do not say No. Use words Instead.

When Seeds are Planted

                        
The previous tenants planted beautiful flowers in our front and back yards that are currently in full bloom. They are just magnificent. I love flowers and those in our yard bring such beauty and joy.

I first fell in love with flowers the summer after I graduated high school. I spent 4 weeks traveling and backpacking in the four corners region with the Audubon School. Just outside Durango, Co, I saw my first wildflowers which were were breathtaking and whose very beauty touched the core of me.



Dancing in a meadow (r) outside Durango. Summer 1986.

That summer changed my life. Or rather that summer was the first time I consciously realized Divine Order's plan for my life and how I would proceed future forward. It was during that summer that I realized the creative enormity of Creator/Creation, not just with the stunning wildflowers and other natural beauty that we were blessed to be present with but with all the remarkably, wonderful, different people we encountered.

Along with back country backpacking trips that summer, where we would hear coyote howl  close to our tents at night, we met Art and Esther, pinto bean farming family who served us a meal with everything made from scratch. That was a far cry from my upbringing in Jewish Suburbia where eating out and packaged foods were the norm. On our way into Zion National Park we came upon Ray the Hippie, on his way to the National Rainbow Gathering. With him was a bag of hand woven Guatemalan bracelets that he graciously shared. The intricate bright colored patterns were a beautiful reminder of the wonderful intricacies and interconnectedness of life.



Ray's Goods

That summer we also met environmentalists who taught us about sustainable farming, water conservation and more. We explored the ruins of the Anasazi people and were invited to one of the mesa of the Hopi where, on a very hot sunny day, I watched Kachina's do a rain dance. I was speechless as I witnessed clouds appear from nowhere, the sky turn black and rain falling in huge drops along with hail the size of golf balls. I was seventeen years old, from a community where things like this were unheard of. But I had long discovered the Dead and had been a vegetarian since my junior year, so I had already stepped out of the box of my upbringing, where most of my peers would strive to wear the latest fashion, wore a lot of make up and jewelery and whose goal (or one of) in life was to marry a nice Jewish husband. But that summer, those things I experienced, really opened my eyes to a bigger picture of life, of the natural world and  humanity.

I also met a Texan man, Rod, who became my first teacher of sorts. He introduced me to the musical pleasures of Carlos Nakai (who a couple of years later, I got to hear and meet at a concert in Prescott, Arizona), gave me a first glimpse into (Zen) Buddhism and gave me one of the greatest books I ever read, The Kin of Ata are Waiting for You, by Dorothy Byrant. That story challenged everything I was taught in the mainstream culture and opened the possibilities of things unseen. It spoke of the soul, of healing and redemption.

All of these things impacted me on a deep primal level and helped my see more clearly the path I was about to set upon. Foundations of how I wanted to walk on this planet were laid. I think this was were my love of travel began, because it was through visiting a foreign place (to me, the Southwest was foreign; it was unknown, strange, territory) that so many doors opened up; so many reflections for healing and truth occurred. It was getting outside of my everyday environment that helped me become freer and to appreciate the many differences on this sacred planet while also realizing the oneness of it all.

                               

Now that I have my two beloved daughters, I know that teaching my girls to appreciate the vast diverse creations in the natural and human worlds, and to realize that they are all expressions of the Divine, is one of my most important jobs as a mother.
 
Since that summer twenty-six years ago, I have walked a path not often trodden upon. But along the way I have met some of my soul family and had some amazing experiences. I have captured some of the many people and places through my camera lens (taking pictures is a passion) and sharing them with others or simply adorning my wall with photographs, reminds me of the magical, spontaneous moments of teaching or connection that have occurred during my time out in the natural world or amongst my brothers and sisters around the glode. I will leave this with some of my more recent sojourns.

 East Congo

 

Cuban Man. Trinadad, Cuba.
(this is my favorite of my photos.)

Sutpa in rural, central Burma.

With a mt. gorilla tot, East Congo

Burmese man. Amarapura, Burma.
Amara was named after this special village in central Burma.



Bhutanese nun. Thimpo, Bhutan.



Masai Sister



Hawaiian wears

Ms. Kathy

Amara & Ms. Kathy

Amara got to visit with her previous teacher, Ms. Kathy, last night, who joined us for dinner. And what a thrill that was for her! Amara was a little shy at first but her excitement soon overtook her in numerous ways including reading Ms. Kathy a book in the silliest voice! She was so happy to see her teacher and to know she was was doing well. Amara had been worried about her since the fall, when the school closed.

Ms. Kathy is a remarkable woman, who followed her calling to teach preschoolers. She founded and ran the Children's Montessori House of Pinole for thirty years before she had to close suddenly for health reasons. The sudden loss of her school and teachers was quite difficult for Amara. It broke my heart to see her struggle with the changes that went with lossing her beloved teachers and the environment where she learned and thrived during her third year of life. But this early lesson of sudden change was good for Amara. She knows she can have her feelings, including the difficult ones, and that life goes on. Still, it was not easy.

We had Amara's other teachers, Mr. Joseph and Ms. Jessica, over earlier in the year. Amara is quite fond of those two as well. She still talks about them and what they taught her. My purpose in having them over for dinner was twofold; to thank them for all them have done and to help Amara with closure, something we don't always get in life.

I am thankful Amara got to reconnect with some very special and influential people in her life. Ms. Kathy, Ms. Jessica and Mr. Joseph planted some important seeds in my little girls life. Seeds of patience, seeds of acceptance, seeds of the joy of learning. I am most thankful we were guided to that little school. Amara may have been there a year but what she learned there will last a lifetime.

Mr. Joseph, Amara & Ms. Jessica

Miel Para Oshun (Honey for Oshun)

Years ago, when I worked in the prisons of New York State, I ran a Transpersonal Counseling Program. Carefully selected movies were one of the tools I used to help prisoners and inmates to get in touch with themselves, in order to help them become freer (mentally, emotionally, spiritually). Well crafted movies can do to that. Well crafted movies are a form of art that can help to heal. Miel Para Oshun (Honey for Oshun) is one of those movies that touches the heart and the soul. It was one of those movies that touched my soul.

Filmed in Cuba it tells the story of a man in his late 30's, who returns to Cuba to find his mother whom he last saw as a very young boy. Thirty-two years earlier he was taken by his father on a raft, headed North to the States (he was one of the balseros). His mother did not make the risky journey with them. The boy was told his mother did not want to go and when they reached the US, the boy is raised by his father. Due to US-Cuba relations the boy can not return to Cuba to visit his mother. But he has always questioned why his mother would abandon him.  Fast forward, his father dies and the now grown man sets out on journey to find his mother and get the answers he seeks..

 As my girls get older, and start to ask more questions about my history and where I come from,  I will have to explain to them, the abandonment by my mother. I will explain adoption and what that meant in my life. I will explain what the yearning for my (earth) mother meant to me and how it deeply effected the course of the first twenty-two years of my life.

I will tell my girls about my history but I may also show them Miel Para Oshun because it speaks my story.  I spent six years searching for my own mother, only to find out she had died in 1970. I was born in 1968. I had never thought much of my biological father but with my mother long dead, I sought him out. I had no idea of what I would discover. I found my Cuban-American father living in Miami, along with a Cuban born grandmother and sisters who are all deeply rooted in the Cuban-Miami/Key West culture. And while these Cuban roots were a complete surprise (being part Cuban never crossed my mind), it made total sense. That my grandmother was also half Chinese was equally surprising but validating. For all the unknown DNA that ran through me, these cultures were a part of me. Many adopted people can attest to the power of feeling drawn to things that would seem out of the ordinary. For me, my deep pull towards the Caribbean and socialist leanings made so much sense the day I opened that door in Miami and met my family.

In Meil Para Oshun, the  viewer can see and feel what life is like in Cuba. The movie clearly portrays the people, their strength, their passion and their expressive way of life. I saw myself in the Cuban people. For most of my childhood I marched to a different beat. Now I realized it was a Caribbean, Latin Beat. 

The movies portrayal of the mixed blessings of migration and life in the US, at the sacrifice of losing a mother, is sad and deep. That politics plays a roll in the inability for reunion between mother and child is not only sad but an outrage. It is not surprising that in my life, pre-family discovery, I had strong political feelings when it came to oppression and freedom.

But overall this is a movie about the longing and searching for one's mother and her love, which I know all too well. My searching for answers was a way to know myself better. To answer the questions I had about my birth, my past; to make sense of the story I had told myself about who I was and how I would be in this life. This longing and searching not only impacted my early life but has been a major force in my parenting with Amara and Havana. I have made many efforts to make sure my daughters know who I am, from their journals and scrapbooks and now this blog. I want them to always be able to access a part of me, if for some reason I am no longer on this earth.

I have been to Cuba twice, as part of my post-search journey. It's a mixed bag of emotions how I feel about the Cuban culture, the revolution and my people. My travels there also made me realize how much my upbringing impacted who I was; that those who raised me influenced me as much as the natural drives within me. And when my adopted father passed before my second daughter was born I followed Jewish tradition in naming her (using the first initial of the deceased name). Havana, it combined the love of my (adopted) father and the love of my roots.

I highly recommend this film. It is a very powerful film about one man's story that can relate to us all; Lose, Wondering, Longing, Searching. And if the time comes, and I want to have another way (other than my voice) to share with my girls what makes their mother tick, I will pick Miel Para Oshun for movie night. Because movies can, and often do, tell our story for us, sometimes better than we can.



My birth mother, Susan Blizzard (r), maternal
grandmother Ruth, & half-brother Bobby.
Mid 1960's, Key West.

Susan, late 1960's
Even though Susan was dead,  just seeing what she looked like was enough.
We look eerily alike. (and yes, she was a natural blond!)

My birth father, David Ramirez.
Late 1960's



In Bayamo, Cuba, where my grandmother Melba was born.
2000

Mi familia.
Bayamo, Oriente, Cuba 2000

With maternal (half) siblings, Kim & Bobby.
Bay Area, 2009

With my grandma Melba & younger half-sister, Natalie.
Miami, late 1990's