They Grow So Fast

Yesterday afternoon, when I was putting away the third (or fourth?) load of laundry I decided to go through Havana's socks. She has one of those hanging baskets in her closet. One space is for her panties, one for matching socks and one for the lone, left behind socks. I try to keep those for awhile, as I will often find it's mate (which can reappear in a multiple of places, including the car, out in the yard, in my pocket, more often in Don's pocket, in the book basket, you get the point!). After a while, when it's apparent the lone mate will become single for life, I will toss the poor remaining one.

It must have been quite some time since I went through her socks because at the bottom of a small pile, I came upon one infant sock. As I held the teeny, tiny sock in my hand a wave of sadness rushed through my body, followed by the thought, "How did she grow so fast?"

Even as I type this, a day later, I feel tears forming at the reality that my babies are not babies any longer. Amara starts kindergarten in the fall and Havana preschool. I often call Havana, "Baby" when talking to her. She is, after all, my baby. Always will be, despite the increase in sock size. But still, seeing the reality of their growth before me is often hard to take. Yes, I want them to grow and live their lives as their soul has planned. But I also know that I don't have forever in this incarnation and I (mostly) regret that. I want to be with my beloveds always.

Just as I discovered this teeny sock, I was thinking about my task of laundry sorting and wanting to be downstairs playing with the girls. I was feeling some pangs of guilt that I wasn't right in front of them, engaging directly with them.

But then I realized, that I wasn't distracted. As I went up and down the stairs, I would stop and watch them with their dolls and the different ways they were dressing them. I would make comments, listen to their stories, answer one of Amara's endless questions. I could hear everything they were doing or saying, from their rooms and I was fully aware that even though I was not downstairs with them that I was with them. And they knew that because for the twenty minutes or so that I was engaged in laundry sorting they didn't argue once. But when I doing something but not present to them, they will start fighting. Wow! What a realization. What an 'Ah Ha!' moment.

Maybe one of the reasons I was so moved by the infant sock was because infancy (once I settled in, which was about a month after Amara was born) was a time where I felt the most present, the most alive, I have ever felt in this incarnation. I loved having my girls sleeping next to me, carried on me, I loved changing diapers, nursing,dressing, everything. Sure I was tired, sure it was taxing on my marriage at times, sure it was hard in many, many ways. But I never felt so me as when those little beings first graced my life. And by feeling me I felt them, in a way that was beyond description. I don't think anyone felt or was with me that way when I was so new to this earth plane. Being there for them and loving them in such a present way was healing on many levels and set the stage for how I want to parent them.

Those early moments of clarity and ease with the girls are becoming harder to experience on daily level. I can't expect that it would continue to be so easy with all that goes on with two energetic girls and the mundane necessities of life, like laundry sorting. With a newborn there is much more room for ease in all the hardness of being a new mom. Sounds crazy but that was the truth for me.

But those initial moments planted seeds of what could be and what I want to be in our family life.Which may be why strive to feel more patience, more presence, my clarity. The question I have is, how can I feel these things while attending to the mundane and when the moments are full of tears, hair pulling and not wanting to share. I didn't realize this blog entry would tie in to the one I wrote on presence. But writing does that, ties things together or sometimes creates even more inquiry and more questioning. I have no answer how to do this. Just the desire. So I will sit with this and let it stew a bit.